ergh.

when heart and mind bicker, it's the whole self that suffers.
i hate what you do to me. even though you don't know you do it.

avoiding.

it really doesn't work.

holy shit.

lol a weird observation. so yesterday, after my godsister's sweet sixteen, i stayed at the hotel with her, her friends, and a couple other godsiblings for the night. we were supposed to watch the sun rise. and it was weird cause, one minute i was seeing the sun just peeking though, and the next moment i remember, the sun was already high in the sky. i had passed out and i didn't even know. ROFL. first time that's happened in a while. i love staying over at the sheraton. haha.


i tend to compare summers i've experienced. and i think 2004 will always be the best summer ever. hehe. but i always tend to remember 2008 as the summer i started working. and i worked monday to friday, 9 to 3. so i didn't have any vacations, really. but what i tend to forget is the beginning of last summer, right when i graduated mcnair. i loved it. why?

the house was bustling with activity. aunts and uncles stayed over. preparations for my (failed) eighteenth bday/grad party were in full swing. the hustle and bustle of it all was just amazing. the fact that each room in this house was filled was awesome. it was always fun having guests over to stay because it broke the monotony of silence in the house. and that first week of july was amazing, we had guests over almost everyday. it was quite the experience. i'll never forget 4th of july (hahah and how my mom offered 10 dollars to each person that got a 99 in magic mic, and we all did ROFL). bianca's grad party that moved to my house, that was really fun.

this year is the exact opposite. with the exception of this past weekend, summer has sucked. i haven't been able to do much. i want to hang out with people but gas and other things limit that. idk, i just miss the beginning of last summer. hopefully this summer will bring new memories that i'll cherish just as much as i cherish the memories of last summer.

dynamics.

the last couple of days made me realize things.

mainly, it made me realize that the world is dynamic, never static. the world doesn't sit still and wait for anyone. or anything. and it's the same with people. we change all the time, whether we realize it or not. and whether we like it or not. i can honestly say that i'm a totally different person now than i was on june 20, 2008 at midnight. (in fact, i was probably sleeping already LOL.)

all kidding aside, people change. and the world changes. and life changes. so when those three meld together and interact, they're like waves: they can be either constructive or destructive. but of course, my philosophy on life is that no matter what, things happen for a reason, and i guess the branch of that logic that pertains to this says that no matter how the 'waves' interact in the short term, in the long-term it's always constructive.

a big part of the 'collision of waves' is the fact that people come and go in our lives. it's unavoidable. and we often wish that certain groups of people would stay forever in our lives. i'm so thankful that DSP has stuck together for such a long time. i mean, we are godbrothers & godsisters, and yes, our parents are so close that no matter what we ain't gonna leave each other, but still we could just as easily avoid each other. but no, through all our differences, we've stayed close. we really are siblings. but i wish the same held true for PACBC.

i miss being in the third-fourth marking period of my freshman year of high school. yes, i did come out of a particularly destructive relationship, but the timing was so perfect. at my lowest point, this group that i had met by chance through a cotillion lifted me up. i'm never gonna forget what they did for me, even if they themselves never realized it. i miss sportsworld - march 5, '05. i miss the cotillion and its aftermath - april 16, '05. i miss all the random times atchi would pick me up from school and drive me all the way to palisades center mall just to meet up with all the other PACBC heads. i miss being close to liz and all the talks we'd have. i miss being close to trisha, khristine and angeline and having our families close. i miss the antics of the guys that made me really pissed at first but then now that i look back, i really miss it. i miss the talks with melissa, because even though i know now that i was wrong, and she probably knew it all along, she let me vent to her, even when she was closer to my ex than me. HAHA i miss that time when we were all on the one bed in the room after the cotillion, and then i was trying to pull out the bobbie pins out of angeline's hair while talking to melissa and liz, who were taking bobbie pins out of other people's hair. they made such an impact on my life, and now i barely see them. that's what honestly hurts the most. and i just hope that i'd be able to be close to at least some of them, and i hope it happens soon, cus i miss them, a lot.

wow, i got really sidetracked. i guess my point is, no matter how much of an impact people make in your life, if they weren't meant to be in your life, then there will be a point when they have to go. but they leave an indelible mark on your heart, on your soul; a mark that can't be erased. and along with that mark are memories, forever emboldened in your mind, like a virtual scrapbook that you can flip open anytime to reminisce. the waves were probably destructive for this group, but in the end, it was constructive because we all got something out of it.

there's a lot of upheaval and change going on in my life right now. the seemingly indestructible pillar of strength just crumbled right before my eyes, and now there's no more 'perfect' that i can reference. as they say, 'all good things must come to an end.' but why this? why did the one thing that seemed perfect, forever, just crumble in a matter of months? yes, i know the reasons. but still, why?

but like i said, the world, its people, and their lives are all dynamic, never static. they don't stop for anyone, or for anything.

the rainbow connection.

a couple of weeks back (i think it was june 1st), i blogged about how i felt life was mundane with nothing to look forward to. and mae commented it with a little story that, although inspiring, didn't do it for me. tonight did it for me.

tonight was the celebration of one extraordinary life, that of dr. sara solberg. she was a teacher, a colleague, a mentor, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a friend, a visionary. she saw beauty in anything, from a beautiful painting to, as one alumnus said, "an old, run-down factory with its smokestacks protruding from behind."

i'm so mad that i never had the opportunity to be her student. but i do remember mrs. wasmuth always telling me that dr. solberg needed some technical help for videos and whatnot. and i'd help her, trudgingly because i never had her as a teacher so the apprehension of meeting someone new didn't help. but she was so nice to me. and everyone was right. she didn't know the meaning of 'no'. and i wish i could apply that.

people always say 'if there's a will, there's a way.' i know that i give up fairly easily or i don't really put my heart into something i really want, just because ... idk. but dr. solberg always wanted a yes. she freaking even took a chemistry class IN MCNAIR! she watched copenhagen, the play, and she was so enthralled by it that she wanted to understand more. so she attended mr. stanton's class. now, mr. stanton's half her age but she totally acted like a really good student, asking questions and taking tests and whatnot.

hearing the stories from dr. solberg's family, friends, colleagues, and students really did something to me. if dr. solberg knew me better she probably wouldn't like me. why? well mr. delo put this in my yearbook, that i was still too into my shell and it was time that i got out. but i think dr. solberg would've been a great help for that. no, i was never an english guy, but i think she'd still appreciate me and help me. because she was that type of person.

at the end, her brother played and sung 'the rainbow connection', the song kermit sang to miss piggy. and dr. solberg was def a lover and a dreamer. she dreamt about what could be and went out of her way to make it reality.

i could just go on and on about how amazing this woman is, but i guess what i mean to say is that the world just lost one of its greatest minds. and i think it's fitting that she got the memorial that she did, because she really deserved it.

thank you, dr. solberg.

walking to mech solids class.

every MWF morning, i wake up at 9. go straight to the shower, get dressed, and head out by 9:20 or 9:30. it's a 10 minute commute even though i only live like a mile or two away, stupid pedestrians and stoplights and stop signs. i park the car, usually at the 6th street lot, and then walk to hoboken bagels to get breakfast. then i walk back to class.

today, as i was walking back to class, two thoughts came to my mind. (the second one's the focus of this whole thing, so you can skip to that one if you want.)

1. i passed by a parked Lexus LX570. you know, the new 2009/2010 ones. and damn, it was b-e-a-UTIFUL. idk, toyolex did a good job with the Land Cruiser/LX570. i still don't see why someone would pick the LX over the LC, because the they're exactly the same, even in opulence. yet the LX costs like 10-15k more than the LC? no sense to me. and if i was EVER caught driving a toyolex (besides the Highlander and Sequoia my dad had), i woud wanna get caught driving an LX or LC. those are the only two in either of their lineups that are really worth it. cus the other cars are crap. hahaha

2. okay the important one. whoever reads this probably knows me well, and they know i love math. a couple of days ago, i made a new blog on tumblr just so i could see the different customization possibilities and shit. and so i had to make a title for the blog, and a description. so i named it 'the modulus of happiness.' and the description said 'happiness is proportional to life through its modulus.' well, that description is sort of off. i think it should've been that fulfillment is directly proportional to life through the modulus of success.

lost already? hear me out.

let's denote fulfillment with the letter F, life = L, and modulus of success = S.

so F is proportional to L directly, and F=SL.

so what if we graph this? we get a line of slope S. if we analyze this graph we can analyze it directly, analyze its derivative, and analyze its integral. so let's go in order, and analyze the integral.

i guess here, the equation doesnt make sense ( int(F) = SL^2 ). but integrals are the area under the graph. so if we look back at how we worded this (that fulfillment is life times modulus of success), we get this statement:

the integral of the function is where you've been before and how much you've already acheived.

so the greater the area under the curve, the higher amount of material, physical, and mental satisfaction you've achieved over the years. what determines how much satisfaction you've had? the modulus of success, S. the higher the number, the more you've achieved in the past.

i guess since we're talking about the modulus already, let's look at the derivative of F: F' = S. this means that your modulus of success determines how far you're gonna go. i know this is a really rough simile, because S could be very well a variable. but for simplicity's sake, let's say it's a constant. S is determined by your happiness in your life, as well as what you're doing in terms of career path and in terms of religion and other spiritual aspects. as such, it is a very abstract concept, but i guess you could say you can rate your success on a numerical scale. so the higher this 'constant' S, the higher amount of satisfaction you have. the higher the slope of your 'graph of life', your fulfillment graph.

and then obviously, the graph of F itself signifies where you are now. determined by the dependent variable Life (i guess in terms of time). how fulfilled you are depends on how long you've lived (assuming you wanna base life in terms of time) and your modulus of success.

this is really a rough sketch of a simile for life, because not everyone's lives are linear. but we can say they're polynomials, because there will always be ups and downs but in the end, you either go up (polynomial of odd degree) or down (polynomial of even degree).

oh, the things i think of as i walk to the Stevens building for mech solids class.

quotation.

kailangan mo ako kasi mahal mo ako? o mahal mo ako kasi kailangan mo ako?
one of the most important questions.

more contemplations.

so i was at mcnair's open mic. and honestly, i was really disappointed. there were more shitty acts than truly good ones. but there were a couple that stood out.

the first one was jason and his sister performing realize by colbie caillat.
if you just realize what i just realized,
that we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another.
just realize what i just realized,
we'd never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other now.
sure. when this song came on, first thing that came to my mind was that this doesn't have to apply to just lovers. it can also apply to friends! right? meh, maybe. but it was my sad excuse for sending lyrics to someone i really cared about whom i knew would never reciprocate the feelings. that's what i realized. keep on keepin' on, my motto for forever.

i also heard this song sitting next to a girl i really cared about all through my senior year of high school. i picked her up from RU-N a couple of hours before, and i have to say the prospect of us never left my mind. but she started telling me about this guy she was seeing. you know, i was really happy for her, but i got kinda jealous. like we're mad close. and like, i always thought i'd have a chance. of course, i was wrong. then the song came on, and i looked at her.

AHH before i forget! she mentioned something that TOTALLY makes sense: labels ruin everything. that's why she and the guy she's seeing aren't boyfriend-girlfriend! they know they dig each other. that's enough for them. that's really cute. and she's right, with the label comes pressure. and other things.

but back to what i was saying before. i was also a bit disappointed in her, because she had always said that she'd lay off the guys for a while, if you know what i mean. like, relationships weren't her thing for a long time. and thats why i guess i didn't try harder. but then here she is now, head over heels for this seemingly perfect guy. and i don't know, that had the slightest chance of being me. oh well.

ANYWAY. second song was almost lover by a fine frenzy, sung by my good friend sarah and played on the piano by my other good friend candace.
goodbye, my almost lover.
goodbye, my hopeless dream.
i'm trying not to think about you;
can't you just let me be?
this song reminded me about the person i liked for the whole spring semester. i mean, i think i'm close to over her now. but for a long time, those lyrics were exactly my feelings towards her. lol i'm just glad i got over it, haha.

the one song that probably made the most impact on me was a medley that candace played later. it was a medley of yiruma songs... river flows in you and kiss the rain. these songs just leave you at peace whenever you hear them; definitely the perfect anti-stress songs out there. give them a listen if you have the time.

until later, fools. ;]

contemplation.

so many things are running through my mind.

haha, i was watching you changed my life the other day. good movie, typical filipino cheesy love movie. but a line that stood out was what miggy's assistant was telling him, "kung ako si laida, baka pagod na pagod na ako. kasi walang tigil na ako'ng tumatakbo sa isip mo eh." that could pretty much sum up how i'm feeling. i think? ahh i don't even know.

before anything else, let me say this: i love my best friends to death. like no lie. i'd die for them.

now let the ranting start.

it's more of a rant on myself. the bests have done NOTHING wrong at all. we talk often, we talk about important issues. we support each other when needed. s'all good, right?

i wanted to prove that a guy could be straight and still have girls as best friends. i'm sure there are tons of guys who can confide best in girls and vice versa. but honestly, it creates a problem if your best friends are in relationships. not necessarily a problem. i'm cool with their boyfriends, i think they're awesome. but i can't help but feel really really awkward. what's funny is, it's not awkward in person AT ALL. i can hang out with them and not be a third wheel; that's why they're awesome. BUT i don't know, i feel like i have to limit myself. i feel like i can't talk to them a lot. i feel like i can't do anything much with them. hang out once in a while, yeah that's okay. but if i just wanna genuinely visit my best friend often. i feel like i can't do that. and i don't wanna talk about it with them because they probably won't see where i'm coming from. they'll think that i should just act normal and shiz. but what IS normal? what is my code of conduct toward a best friend? can i do the same things with these best friends that say, girl best friends do together or guy best friends do together? like hang out and stuff? idunno, filipino society tends to think like "oh if you are with a girl a LOT, you're her boyfriend." but NO! i DON'T want it to be that way! i just don't want everyone else to think that way because that could cause a lot of problems. and i guess the bottom line is, i don't want to cause problems. i just confide in girls a whole lot better than i do in guys. and i know i shouldn't let social stigma rule the way i live but that's a fact of life today. and there's nothing i can do about it rather than shape my life around it.

so, to my best friends, if it seems like i've been shady lately, i'm just trying to control myself. because your boyfriends should come first. and i'm tryna take the backseat. not talk as often and such. sacrifice, i guess?

i don't know if i'm making sense; i'm probably not. you, the reader, are probably reading this and saying to yourself this guy is wasting megabytes on the blogger server. whytf is he worrying about stupid shit? and i agree, it is. but i feel like i HAVE to worry about it. i just don't want things to escalate. get me? probably still no, but at least i vented.

i think the big problem is that i have that filipino mentality. when i see a guy and a girl together often, it's like automatic in my mind: they're going out. i know there's always more to the story. and i wish people would be mindful of that, too. (btw, yes biff, i lied; i AM a hypocrite LOL.) i shouldn't worry about the perceptions of others. but sometimes, especially in the filipino community, those perceptions can lead to gossip. and gossip kills relationships. i don't want that to happen.

there are many times i wish i could confide in guys way more than girls. but i think i can attribute this to the fact that i grew up around my cousins on my mom's side; here in the states, all of them are girls except for me. the environment is what probably trained my mind. but if i was like a regular ol' guy, i wouldn't have to worry about this. but c'est la vie. can't do anything about it now.

but there are even MORE times when i'm thankful my best friends are girls. because they let me be a typical guy around them, yet i can tell them things i'd never tell another guy. hahaha!

screw gender-specific roles.

totally unrelated...
this year is the year i make a change for myself. proactive is the name of the game.

before i go. here's a question for you ladies..
what the heck do i do that automatically makes me friend status? HA.

wha?

where am i? what the hell is going on?

i feel like i'm in a void that is comprised a whole bunch of aspects that result in a tired, uninspired me.

i've been so moody lately and i don't know why. really, i don't. i know i told biff before that i don't like it when people say "i don't know" when you could tell (by the intonations of their voice or their gestures) that they really DO know. but seriously, i wish i knew why. i've been getting annoyed at the stupidest things. and i almost threw a fit when i found out we were switching to fios. when i had no reason to. the hell..?

i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. i find myself going to school MWF. and then when i'm at home i'm either on my computer or taking a nap. since when has my life been THAT mundane? maybe the lack of TV in my room is taking a toll. and maybe verizon can actually get me some cable service in this room, lol. nah but really, usually i have things to look forward to. little things like events and such. but even if there's events, nowadays i just don't look forward to it.

i need inspiration. quite frankly, i don't have it. i don't see it in anyone or anything.

inspire me.

randomisations.

i feel as if i'm on top. of a hill. not a mountain, cause i could feel better than this. but this is goooood. =)

i was looking at the facebook profiles of my really close friends, and i noticed that most of them used my pictures as their defaults. it isn't significant, i know, but it feels more than fulfilling to know that the 'work' i do is appreciated. let's be honest... i'm not that great of a photographer. forreal. but i love taking pictures for many reasons. i love that digital technology is combined with an old art and creativity of the mind to create a still frame of an endearing moment in time. the techie in me can draw out the creative side of me that has been hidden for a very long time. and i love capturing these moments. priceless moments, precious moments. this is why i love candids... capturing smiles and gestures at their most natural state. but i digress. seeing that my work is appreciated... my goal is accomplished. i constantly kick myself for composing horrible shots. but although composition is VERY important, at the end of the day, all i want to do is capture memories that will last a long time for everyone to see and enjoy. and i think i've done that. which is more than fulfilling.

another thing that is so fulfilling is having a best friend. and really, there's best friends, then there's biff. i can't thank you enough for being you. idunno, forreal i haven't been this close or this open to anyone else since liz. yeah, okay, the only thing that was different was that i had feelings for her. but yeah, i digress. strongest friendship i've ever had, and i can say that honestly. really, and i've told you this before (and you've experienced it with neil), it's not the amount of time you have together but the quality of the time spent. look at you, you're much happier with neil in less than a month than you've ever been with rb in the span of a year and a half. in the same way, we've grown more in a couple of months than we have with our other friends over a number of years... (btw, this means I'M RIGHT. means I PWN. xD) thanks for caring more than anyone else. thanks for just... being there. you get me, and that's what i like the most about this whole thing. who woulda ever thought that you and me would be best friends? i mean, at the beginning of the school year i didn't expect you to be more than an 'okay' friend. nahmeans? but the best things are def unexpected. aand btw, i still have to write down that list of promises. hehe. amen for second chances. =) gosh no one's ever been this good to me...

i'm glad biff & i promised forever. cause what's about to come for all of us is a test of willpower. school is only going to get harder from here, and not only that, we have to worry about working. and after a while, we'll have to accrue some of our parents' debts as repayment for raising us for so long. we'll be working our asses off... and the financial crunch isn't helping. i'm already feeling it... but it's my fault for insisting on getting a bmw. but i'm not a little kid anymore... i can't just wish that the bmw turned into a nice vw diesel that gets great mileage plus is probably easier on maintenance. (well i lied about maintenance. but hooray for diesel.) in a couple of months i'll be assuming the payments for the car. and before it seemed like a really good idea, cause of co-op and all.. but now idk. maybe i'm just freaaaking out about the future, lol.

the future... marriage. he's just not that into you pops into my head again. the proposal at the end of the movie will always get to me. that guy is ingenious... i never would've thought about using old jeans she hates to hide the ring. but he was rigit before, though. he didn't believe in marriage because marriage was all pomp and circumstance when what was really important was the bond between a man and a woman, and as long as they know they share it, they don't need to broadcast it with the world. because they're not inlove with the world, they're in love with each other. and that's it. no one else needs to know... i really like this philosophy, but if i ever told my parents this they'd slap me. ahahah.

parents. i want a job asap. i want to pay rent. why? so that i don't feel like i'm chained to this house anymore. i mean yeah, they've gotten more lenient over the past months, but really? treat me like i'm five? i hate it. i hate it also when they repeat themselves 98156195 times. and when they ask 34924519856192 questions. DANG I MADE MYSELF FREAKING CLEAR THE FIRST TIME! if not, then THE SECOND. STOP ANNOYING ME, I HATE IT.


i can say that i'm happy. but of course, i'll be happier when fate lends me a helping hand with love. it's still a long way away, but i'll be waiting. =) it's nice to be second in someone's life, because i feel important still. but it would also be nice to be first in another person's life. which is the aim. ;]

the perfect order.

"she won't be an 'almost order', and she'll come with the 'dressing'."
my favorite line =)

i'm so afraid of it going back to how it was before.

but again, maybe i should listen to my own advice.
don't try too hard.

annoyed.

so for some reason, this week anything & everything has been annoying me. forreal.

first of all, gilles should've won, not shawn. but whatever, it's a popularity contest, not a contest of dance, even though that's what the name implies (im pretty sure it was dancing with the stars, not being popular with the stars).
EDIT 3:55pm that was really harsh. cause shawn is a really good dancer as well. her movements are so sharp and precise. but gilles is also really good... i guess that's why the margin of victory was less than 1%. congrats shawn ;]

second of all, a friend has been nagging me very often about what i consider to be nothing and i am really getting upset. i'll call this friend gigi from he's just not that into you. watch the movie and come to the realization gigi had, please?! and fuck the signs, for God's sake!

third of all - well this one, i'm not annoyed. i was a bit let down. because i told a friend about my conquering of the 'feeling' (see blog below) and all she could say was ohh that's good i guess. wtf! i mean, dang i actually talked to the girl about it and whatever and now i have a new really good friend! be happy for me! dangit! and don't come back criticizing the girl either! not everyone works the way you do!


okay the last one, i think it was overdoing it. but it really bothered me, lol.

so that was that.

and i can finally say i'm over it. no, i never told her how i felt. and yeah, it was just an aim convo. but i was able to feel how happy she was. and i'm not going to interfere with that. i just told her that i'm going to be there for her no matter what, and i'm really happy for her. and none of my words were lies. not gonna lie, it hurts a bit, but i think i'm happier now than before that convo. because i think i just gained another close friend. =)



love can wait. for now, i can finally say that i'm content. =D
not gonna lie, still jealous that everyone around me has someone LOL

LOL.

i promised myself that i'd do this one day - that i'd make a post just out of lyrics.

so...
showstopper, you are a jaw-dropper; when i see you in the lights, you make everything alright. but my heart shakes along with my hands. cause [you're] all that i see, and [you're] all that i need, and i'm out of my league once again. but i feel like i need you so that we can live happily too; i just want you. cause you're the one who makes me see...

and, like i want to but i can't help it, i love the way you feel. just kinda stuck between my fantasy and what is real. i need it when i want it; i want it when i don't. tell myself i'll stop every day knowing that i won't. i got a problem and i don't know what to do about it. even if i did i don't know if i would quit, but i doubt it. i'm taken by the thought of you... and i know this much is true, that baby you have become my addiction. i'm so strung out on you, i can barely move but i like it, and it's all because of you... my life has changed, thank you for the love and the joy you bring. and because of you, i feel no shame; i'll tell the world, it's because of you. the magic in your eyes, true love i can't deny. when you hold me, i just lose control. and i want you to know, that i'm never letting go. you mean so much to me, i want the world to see it's because of you... so sprung out, ain't no doubt.

LOL i love the last paragraph. forreal forreal. hahahaha!

so yeah, last night was just a momentary relapse. but i don't think it's come on at all today so i'm good. still on that 'keep on keepin' on' attitude, and i think it'll do me good. so what if i see her during both summer sessions? i don't care, it's whatever. i'll just fulfill that one promise i made her a long time ago and then that's that; i don't owe her anything after that. she can go dilly-dallying with her boytoy all she wants. cause i (want to be) done with that. i'm through with her.

heartache, heartache, i just have so much; a simple love with a complex touch. there is nothing you can say or do. i just called to let you know i'm through with you.

maroon 5 is awesome.

anyway, i've gotten really excited over summer classes the past few hours cause biff told me she might do them too. and not only that, we might be in the same class! it would be really cool to actually have a class with her. cause like we can do homework together and stuff. idk, i always used to think that doing homework together was cool. and we can study together and stuff... yeah. hahaha but something tells me it's not gonna come through =/ i'm hoping though!

and maybe a summer job is in my future. within the next couple of days i'm gonna go to barnes & noble in hoboken to inquire about a job. i really need one; there's so many things i wanna buy! (see the LISTS blog from may 11.) and yeah, gas for the X5 is more than i bargained for. =/ but i love my maria lena!

random songs keep on popping into my head...
you can't hurry love; you just have to wait. they said love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take...

hmmm... so this week is going to be very busy. not only does summer class start, i'm going to mcnair on tuesday. and i really need to step up the practicing for saturday, when james and i have to play music for mae's mom's healing mass. i love the songs that we've chosen so far, though =) ANYWAY. and i'm going to the epik high fan meet thingy on thursday. hahaha yeaah. weird, i guess.

i think this needs to end or else i'll be blabbering about the most random shit. LOL
until next time ;]

eff.

i always do this.
i tell myself that i'm moving on, but i always get back to square one. damn her.

bittersweet symphony.

i finished finals yesterday, and so far i can't complain with the grades. B in calc & thermo, and A in design. i'm waiting on circuits and E&M... really anxious about those.

i really couldn't wait for school to end, but it sucks that all my friends had to move back to their homes. we promised we'd see each other A LOT over the summer but plans fall through a lot. but i'm really gonna try to get all of us together, esp for the fair =) =) =)

it's cool though, me, walker, james, jkim, jenn, and deonne are still in jersey city. i know i'll be seeing them a LOT. hahaha.

i'm really excited for the summer though. i really wanna reconnect with mcnair friends that i haven't seen in forever. i love college, but i really miss the people i used to hang out with... i hang out with steph and linda every now and then, but people like peter chu, cindy, christine, hongju, unicel, fani, etc, etc... i miss them.

and this summer, i hope to hang out with DSP more. cause like, we barely hung out during the year. five of us are in college! LOL so i was talking to bea and jess in the car, and i told them to get me a rutgers and kean sticker. and i think imma tell paola to get me a NSC sticker, mia should get me a NJCU one, and chris should def get me a SHU one. i figure i'm keeping the X5 for a LONG time, so might as well honor DSP with our colleges on the trunk! =)

so yesterday, i helped walker and james move out of palmer and into an apartment on fairmount. five round trips total >< 3 yesterday, 2 today. AND i helped bea move out of rutgers. crazy stuff. at least i got cheesecake factory in the end :D

a while back, there was a picture survey thing on facebook that was going around. and i took it. and one of the questions was to look for a picture that made my heart hurt.

if i were to take that quiz now, it would be any picture from davis 314. for almost ten months, that place was my second home, my refuge... the end of the semester was really bittersweet, cause i really wanted classes to end, but i never wanted school to end. here comes the cheesy part...

dedications.
there's a song i was listening to just now. it's by adele; it's called make you feel my love. and i think it describes our friendship perfectly..

when the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, i could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. when the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, i could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.

as you all already know, we've only been best friends for 'phase 2' for only about a month now. i'll always regret being stubborn and stupid, cause i missed out on a lot of things. i left her at her weakest, and i think i'll always partly blame myself for her rough start to the semester. but i'm glad we've worked things out. i talk to this girl every night on aim, and each night we learn something new, whether it's about each other, or about our relationships. i think that is the definition of a perfect friendship. perfect. and it's better than 'phase 1' in every way.

biff, you and i know that each of us is going to have our own relationships with other people, but in the end, we'll always have each other to be the other's backbone & strength. thank you for everything.


this one was unexpected. at the beginning of the first semester, i did something i never should've done. it's nothing more than a lesson learned now, but for a long time, she hated me for it. (i don't like it when she jokes about it now, though. =/) but this semester, i think we grew a lot closer. it always ends up being me, her, and her boyfriend in the dorm, but it's never awkward and i'm never treated like a third wheel. and we always go out =) like random drives to secaucus or mitsuwa or anywhere.

and really, if it wasn't for her, i'd have no friends at stevens. and i wouldn't have a group of people that i could call family. =)

mae, i love you to death. thank you for everything xD and here's to the summer and the FAIR!


those are the two people that have impacted my stevens life the most. i have other people to thank, such as tons of people from humphries, and the boyfriends of those two girls and their friends. together, they have all shaped up a great foundation for the rest of my 5 years at stevens =)


i got really lazy at the end of this, can you tell? LOL.

LISTS!

hahahah so yeah, i'm supposed to be studying for circuits. an OPEN-BOOK final. the fact that i have to study for an open book final just tells you how horrible that class is. DANGIT.

but of course, i'm semi-lazy. and i have a lot of lists in my head... so let's do some listing!

list #1: finals that i STILL have to take -____-

• circuits, today, 1-5 pm (i hope i'm out by 2 or 3.)
• thermo tomorrow, 8am-12pm FML.
• physics tomorrow, 8am-12pm.

FUCK MY LIFE. IM SO JEALOUS OF EVERYONE THAT'S DONE ALREADY. which means most of the freshmen... FML FML.

list #2: summer things that NEED to be done during the summer! LOL

• freakin MEADOWLANDS FAIR! third week of june to sunday after independence day.
• stuff for my birthday...? =)
• an nyc art museums day with fat ;]
• LAI'S SWEEEEEEEET 16 hehehehe
• beaaaaaach!
• WOODBURY! & other outlets! yay for asking parents for money. HAHA
• road trippppp...? PLEASE?

hahahahahaa i can't wait for this summer... other than the fact that i have classes. heh.

list #3: photography geaaar that i really need/want (it goes from need at the top to want at the bottom)

• I MISS MY NIFTY FIFTY =( [canon ef 50mm f/1.8] OR if someone gets me a 1.4. ORRRR if someone hits the jackpot and gets me a 1.2L... =)
• a second freaaaakin' camera body. (probably a used 30D or something... woo for $400!)
• i found a WHOLE 30D kit on ebay for $1,800. BUT omg... 24-70 f/2.8L, extra 430ex flash, 30D full box body only, bag, books galore... dangit, i want it.

the last thing includes all my wants. hahahahahah. best freaking canon general-purpose zoom out there T_T

list #4: car stuff >D

• BMW floor liners (gray fronts&rears)
• BMW X5 aux jack
  
• BMW style 177 wheels (20x9.5 in the front, 20x10.5 in the rear, full kit w/ tires)
  
• BMW X5 aerodynamic kit (without PDC, with headlight washer)

thank goodness for co-op plus other random jobs... looks like i'm keeping this car for a while. xD


okay, if i have more lists i'll put them up. as for now... back to studying. FML.

weird, but i'm amazed.

first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CIANYL MAE :D


okay. so umm this afternoon, as you could tell, i was out of it. like. beyond depressed. haha well not in the clinical sense, cause that would be kinda bad. but yeah, i was in pretty bad shape. then nightfall came, and something inside me told me to watch love actually. so guess what? i did.

at the same time, i was talking to biff and messaging my other good friend terry. and i have these two to thank for my epiphany.

sabi ni tanga (11:51:12 PM): i like that line though

sabi ni tanga (11:51:17 PM): i think our lives have just begun

sabi ni astig (11:51:24 PM): yeah

sabi ni astig (11:51:26 PM): its really nice

sabi ni tanga (11:51:33 PM): yeah =]

sabi ni astig (11:51:39 PM): it's so true in so many ways

sabi ni tanga (11:51:47 PM): hm/

sabi ni tanga (11:51:50 PM): how so

sabi ni astig (11:52:29 PM): well you obviously. your new life has just begun and its blossoming into something way more beautiful that what you've ever had

sabi ni tanga (11:52:40 PM): awww

sabi ni astig (11:52:55 PM): me, i just woke up and realized nothings gonna happen unless i try

sabi ni astig (11:53:10 PM): mae, she's in the same boat as you, growing in love more and more each day with james and its really awesome

sabi ni tanga (11:53:20 PM): =]

i hate to say it, but first realization is that i'd proudly be a third wheel for either of these couples. they treat me like i'm part of them, you know? not like romantically cause that would be just awkward. but really, when im with either of the pairs (or both) i don't feel left out at all. and i'm so happy that they're pulling for me. and that they're there for me no matter what.

esp biff. i came into this thing thinking that i'd be the savior, saving her if she fell. but nope, she's on the clouds and i'm the one that fell. and lo and behold... she was the one that saved me. she and her boyfriend. i owe a lot to them, i really do. and i like the reassurance that she won't leave me aside like she did last semester... i feel better. she'll always be there for me, and i'll always be there for her. thank goodness neil's okay with it. if any girl i ever go out with has a problem, then she's gone. sorry!

another thing i realized is something biff, mae, and neil have been telling me for a long time: take chances. you know that i'm the safe type. the last time i ever did something like this "successfully" was in eighth grade. and maybe i haven't done something like this is because of how that turned out. that was ... really messy. and i hated that i lost her forever. then there was freshman-sophomore year of high school, when i tried to take a chance but she was just head over heels for the other guy. but theyre nothing more than learning experiences now, and thats how it should be. and i think soon will be another learning experience. and i can't be anything but optimistic about this rendezvous but, if it fails, i just learn.

sabi ni astig (12:01:17 AM): if i cant sense anything, then promise im done forever.

sabi ni astig (12:01:22 AM): if i sense something, let the homewrecking begin

yeah, this is how its gonna be. btw, done forever = done with her forever. not with the idea. i cant just let one thing ruin my outlook forever... cause thats bull. "it's not how you fall but how you pick yourself up." :D one of the best things biff ever said.

so forget what i said before, and here's to a future of nothing but happiness. yeah? yeah. =)

movin' out.

"and it seems such a waste of time,
if that's what it's all about.
mama if that's movin' up,
then i'm moving out."
- billy joel, movin' out (anthony's song)

lol, so the last post was made with a really hot head. and, like the old saying goes, cooler heads always prevail. no, i'm not mad anymore. but i'm still upset and confused. they weren't kidding when they said that moving on is one of the hardest things to do. it's just so hard when the object of your affection for the past semester finds someone else, and it hurts more cause i probably could've done something before. but no more 'coulda, woulda, shoulda's. i'm done with that. lesson learned.

so with a head held high, i soldier on, ready to face new challenges. i know i shouldnt feel this way but i feel like there's no one out there. i feel like everyone's found someone. and i'm left alone.

lol i get jealous of my friends sometimes, because they've all found someone. and it's hard because a lot of the times, they are my happiness but they need to be with the ones that make them happy. and yeah i guess me being a part of their lives makes them happy too, but it doesn't compare with the happiness they feel with their significant others. and i'm left behind. i'm happy for them, no doubt, but the old question arises: when will it be me?

a lot of times i wish i had someone to be alone with, because whenever im in the dorms everyone else has that one other person to be with, so they leave the dorms. and a lot of times i'm left alone with two people who deserve their alone time as well. i feel like i'm a burden sometimes to mae and james because i'm always around them. but really, i feel like i have no one else...

its not their fault, it's my fault. i need to learn how to make the most of being alone cause thats how its gonna be for a very long time.

so here's to learning the attributes of solitude.

shocked.

i had so much respect for you and him. SO MUCH. thats probably why i never told you how i felt for you, i didnt want to ruin what you and him have.

but really, use a room that neither you nor him lives in? he has his own dorm! you HAD to intrude on a person in a room that belongs to neither of you? really? don't you know how to take care of privileges granted to you? couldn't you two have just used his room for your giggling and kissing. damn. i dont blame that person for blasting you.

i really thought you were better than this. i told my own best friend that you were the BEST on this earth. because i thought you were caring. i thought you knew what respect was. i thought you were the good girl. and thats why i liked you. SO MUCH. now all that i thought about you is thrown out the window.

i may be overreacting on something that someone told me. i didn't hear it from you. but really, if everyone said it cause they were there then damn.

i'll still be friendly around you. and quite frankly, i dont think you'd even give a damn if i said i liked you. but that's okay now cause i lost a lot of my respect for you. not everything, but a lot.



i wish humans were asexual and heartless. really. half the world's problems would be solved.
until they find out how to take out our souls and let us reproduce on our own, i'll soldier on. i hate this whole relationship thing.

yes, i'm bitter. very bitter. is this karma for my stupidity five years ago? if so, thanks. thanks a lot. because of karma, i'm never going to find someone. ever again. might as well just let my parents arrange something, like the typical asian stereotype. marry someone with money. cause really, love sucks.

(and btw. whoever invented the thought of love, i hope your carcass is rotting in hell, being eaten by dogs who shit your remains out just to eat it again.)

pick me up just to throw me back down.

i hate it when the littlest thing gets me all hyped up... then when i realize the truth, the crash landing hurts.

maybe i should stop giving myself hope. because it's my fault anyway. i didn't do anything when i had the chance, and then when i did grow the balls to even think about doing something, my window of opportunity closed. sure, it probably wouldn't hurt to tell her, but for what else? i want to give up.

but something won't let me. i can't figure out what it is. maybe it's the fact that i see her often. maybe the fact that summer's coming up might help. but then again i don't think it will. mostly because she's planning on taking the same class i am.

i'm a loser who reads aim logs all the time.

her: how was your day?
me: i'll be cheesy and say it was mundane without you :]
---
her: aww you're too sweet!
me: be careful and don't get too addicted; diabetes is rampant now.

oy vey. cheesy me had the chance. *slams head against wall

pwned ><

okay. so in all my years of being the person i am, i've been used to being the person giving advice. sure, people give me advice too, but to be honest, it's usually been in one ear and out the other. until this year; i started listening to advice from my best friends more. usually i come back with a complaint to which they have a response, and usually it's back and forth. but yesterday, i was talking to my best friend justine through text. and she shut me up. i was like WOW.

(copied and pasted from her blogspot)
Richard: But I can learn to be content, I've done it before.

Justine: Okaay but what would you rather be?? Content or happy?!

R: Happy. Duh. But if it eludes me then what can I do?

J: Umm try again?

R: It always ends up the same way though.

J: How do you know that?! It always ends the same way? So does that mean me and Mae should just end things between James and Neil cuz it's just gonna end the same way our past relationships ended?? No! Because nothing's for certain mannn. You don't know if it's gonna work out or not but it's worth it if it does!

R: Damn you're good! Lol!



she shut me up. forreal. i didn't have a response. because it was so true. she and our other friend mae have been through quite a bit in the past months, yet now they're in new relationships and happy. cycles can break. and i think i get that.

but what if i'm scared of what's going to happen? yeah, nothing's for certain. for all i know they can end up getting married. or the exact opposite. but who knows? that scares the hell out of me. i hate risk because of the uncertainty. fuck schrodinger and his uncertainty principle. you never know at one exact moment where anything is... fuck that. i want to know. because i'm afraid of getting hurt. i don't want to get hurt. i want it to end up like in the movies. where people live happily ever after, together. and yeah, i know movies are movies for a reason (cause they aren't real) but is it bad to hope? can you live with the lingering thought in the back of your mind that you don't know what's going to happen?

maybe i'm being unrealistic. but am i being unreasonable for wanting perfection? not perfection in a girl. but perfection in a relationship. i hate the downhill part. and i don't want it to ever happen to me. because i see it happen to my friends all the time. and i wonder if they ever get tired of it. because i know i sure would.

until i find what i'm looking for, gg best. =/

asdfjkl;

before anything else. i need to remind myself to update those songs under MyTunes. i haven't updated them since 2007. and now they don't work cause fileden decided to delete all of my shit. LOL

everything's been so... bipolar lately. last week was a total bomb. but this week's been so good to me. going to new york on a whim was amazing. family dinner was just the best. while last week... idunno. physically things didn't change to bring forth the happiness of this week; it was more of an emotional thing, i guess.

i've been switching between being emo and accepting. she found someone else. and parts of me tell me that that other person could've been me. but then other parts of me tell me that even if i did succeed, maybe fate would play its cards against my favor and have the other guy come in and replace me anyway. then other other parts of me tell me that i could maybe be the guy fate helps. i don't know, it's so weird.

and it sucks when you think you've gotten over it, then you and her randomly meet when you're about to go home. which is what happened. one night, i dropped off my friends at the dorms after going to their old high school. and as i shift into drive i see her outside my passenger window, looking in. she walks around the car to me. i open my door, then we hugged. for a really really long time. and i realized... i never got over it.

but my best friend, kim, once told me that she didn't believe in signs or signals, because oftentimes those signs turn out to be nothing more than coincidence. which is really true. but the signs are too good...

it's such a precarious position i hold right now. how the hell do i deal with this? the idea of actually asking her to dinner has never left my mind. dinner could help straighten everything out in my mind. but it would be so awkward. then i realize that summer's coming around. and, in a sense, thank God. i can get over it peacefully.

i'm fine with being single. but when all my other friends - especially the four i hold dear - are aloof with their boyfriends or potentials, i'm alone. and when, day and night, all they think about is their significant others, i have to admit, i get jealous. maybe i'm in love with the idea of a girlfriend right now and she happened to fit the mold i'm looking for. but maybe she's the one...

but after the pomp and circumstance of a new relationship, what's next? i always remember what happened the last time i was in a real relationship, and it fuckin' scares me. don't get me wrong, i loved most of it. until the end, when i realized that i got into it for the wrong reasons. which might be the same reasons as now. just for the vanity of it all.

i'm always scared that i can't fulfill the role of a good boyfriend. i might get too attached. i might get too jealous. i don't know for sure, i haven't been one for a good while.

my problem is that my mind overpowers my heart way too much. i was talking to justine, my best friend at stevens, and we realized that i was the mind and she was the heart. because she loves to go for things she knows she wants, and i take things with a grain of salt. i need that balance. she always said to go for it if i really wanted it. the thing is, do i?

i guess it's suffice to say that what i said before was totally miscalculated, because of an assumption that probably made an ass out of me: that my best friends would always be around. in reality, they can't be, because that would be really stupid. they have lives too.

the 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

- "i'm the exception."
- "you're my exception."

i just got finished watching he's just not that into you. justine, a best friend of mine, has been wanting to watch this movie for forever, and i kinda promised her that i'd bring her to watch it. but i guess we got too busy and now it's not in theaters. but i pulled some strings and now we'll be watching it tomorrow. i try my hardest to pull through with my promises.

promises. most of the time, when i make promises, i haven't the slightest clue about the strings attached to that promise. it may not be a big deal when it has to do with trivial things, like a movie or a borrowed pen. but when it comes to a promise of never leaving, that's when things get sticky.

i mentioned my friend justine up there. i met her on the second day of stevens orientation on castle point. honestly, the first month or so of school was so blurry that i don't remember exactly how justine and i got closer. but i do remember october 5, 2008. it was a sunday; justine and i had been talking about certain things having to do with her now-exboyfriend. and i don't remember how it happened, but i asked her to be my best friend. or something along those lines, cause you don't really 'ask' for a best friend, they just come. but with that always comes a promise that there would be no letting go; no leaving. i broke that promise.

as the months went by, i felt like my relationship with her wasn't going anywhere. i wasn't learning things about her; i don't think i was able to communicate with her. the problem, now that i look back, might have been that we rushed into it, thinking that we could trust each other only after a month. and both of us were wrong. time passed and in late january/early february, i 'called it quits.' i thought i couldn't handle it anymore. i thought that the moniker 'best friend' with her was only that - a label and nothing more.

after that, i was a jerk to her. i called her names, put her down, and i could tell that it was taking a toll on her. and part of me felt really bad, yet part of me somewhat enjoyed it, and i don't know why. well i think it was because i felt as if that was payback for the months i thought were wasted on her. it sounds really harsh but to be honest, i really felt that way. for a long time. you could say that towards justine, i had a really dark cloud over my head. until one day, i remembered a time from back in the fall. when all the stevens friends slept over at my house, and we were up at 5:30 in the morning. we had this deep conversation that turned into one person saying a little message to all the other people in the room. and it was justine's turn to tell me something. and i remember her saying this: "thank you, richard. i've told you so many things that i haven't told anyone else..." and then she broke down. and i rushed over to her and held her in my arms, trying to comfort her.

when i remembered this, it suddenly came to me that what we had in the fall wasn't a joke. it wasn't fake. it was real. and i was a big asshole for letting that go. but i didn't want to approach her cause i knew that she'd be bitter towards me.

but it's amazing how things can turn around in the span of a couple of weeks. i really don't even know how it happened, but it culminated to a point where, starting last friday, we had long as hell conversations on aim every day about each other's love escapades. and it was really comforting to be close to her again. now we're back to being close, but we're nowhere near where we used to be. we're better than that now because we understand each other.

she blogged about it yesterday, and i never realized how much she cared for this relationship, just as much as i did. but i guess we show it in different ways, which i totally understand now. we are legit best friends again, and this time, i'm not fucking it up.

one thing we had a conversation about was a girl i liked. justine always encouraged me to go for it, and i think she was getting annoyed cause i always put myself down. i compared myself to other guys who seemed to be into this girl, all of whom justine knew. and she encouraged me and said that i should go for it.

but then, i had a conversation with my other best friend, kim. and we had this talk about what we were going to do in 10 years. kim and i, we're both lost. she has her reasons. and i, i just have been lost for the past five years. we both are trying to figure out what we want. it got me thinking about what i really wanted out of life. is love really that important to put so much emphasis on it?

then i had an epiphany. i'm still working on the details, but it makes me feel so good.

i realized that i have the best best friends in the world. i have justine, i have kim, and i have two others, and i trust them with my life. plus my family of 'brothers and sisters' - aka my godsiblings - as well as all my other great friends. and i love them. if i have all of that, what else do i need in life? i realized that all the energy i would have put into a serious relationship, i put into all the individual relationships with each of my friends and family, esp. my godsiblings and my best friends. and for now, i wouldn't have it any other way. they complete me. and by complete, i mean that i am whole; 1/1. so if i add another part to that, that would make me more than whole. like 4/3 or 3/2. and that's not possible. i'm not willing to sacrifice even a little bit of my energy that i put towards my friends for some girl that, yeah, i'd be attracted to but otherwise would be almost the same as the ones i already have.

i'm not closing my doors on love. in fact, i still welcome it. but until now, i've been actively looking, thinking about who could be right for me among the people i know now. and i realized that that's absurd. kim taught me a valuable lesson - don't look for love, let it come to you. something that isn't forced, something that doesn't have a reason, that is the best kind of love. something that just happens naturally. but until that person and i finally meet, i'm not going to put energy into finding someone. i will let fate take its course, and until then, i'll treat my friends as my life. because they're worth it.

words

"it's only words, and words are all i have to take your heart away."


words are nothing but groups of syllables put together; syllables are nothing but letters put together. so words are nothing but groups of letters. we learn to use sounds to try to say these words. but words are, inherently, highly organized gibberish.

so why do these words i hear always have such an impact on me?

i found out that i fall for words. conversations on aim, over the phone, or in person have the power to make me feel bubbly. (so do the simplest gestures; if a girl surprises me by hugging me from the back, i melt. but that's a different story.) i love it when a girl and i have serious conversations that end up with her saying "i love you." or when she i/m's me and says "i miss you." words like that make me feel good. words like that make me fall for them. words like that are my kryptonite.

last night, i had a conversation with a certain someone. it was quick. but we argued about who loved & missed the other more. and yeah, i probably won't ever have a chance with her, but it made me feel good. it might have made me fall for her again. i wish i wasn't so weak with words.