lol a weird observation. so yesterday, after my godsister's sweet sixteen, i stayed at the hotel with her, her friends, and a couple other godsiblings for the night. we were supposed to watch the sun rise. and it was weird cause, one minute i was seeing the sun just peeking though, and the next moment i remember, the sun was already high in the sky. i had passed out and i didn't even know. ROFL. first time that's happened in a while. i love staying over at the sheraton. haha.
i tend to compare summers i've experienced. and i think 2004 will always be the best summer ever. hehe. but i always tend to remember 2008 as the summer i started working. and i worked monday to friday, 9 to 3. so i didn't have any vacations, really. but what i tend to forget is the beginning of last summer, right when i graduated mcnair. i loved it. why?
the house was bustling with activity. aunts and uncles stayed over. preparations for my (failed) eighteenth bday/grad party were in full swing. the hustle and bustle of it all was just amazing. the fact that each room in this house was filled was awesome. it was always fun having guests over to stay because it broke the monotony of silence in the house. and that first week of july was amazing, we had guests over almost everyday. it was quite the experience. i'll never forget 4th of july (hahah and how my mom offered 10 dollars to each person that got a 99 in magic mic, and we all did ROFL). bianca's grad party that moved to my house, that was really fun.
this year is the exact opposite. with the exception of this past weekend, summer has sucked. i haven't been able to do much. i want to hang out with people but gas and other things limit that. idk, i just miss the beginning of last summer. hopefully this summer will bring new memories that i'll cherish just as much as i cherish the memories of last summer.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
dynamics.
the last couple of days made me realize things.
mainly, it made me realize that the world is dynamic, never static. the world doesn't sit still and wait for anyone. or anything. and it's the same with people. we change all the time, whether we realize it or not. and whether we like it or not. i can honestly say that i'm a totally different person now than i was on june 20, 2008 at midnight. (in fact, i was probably sleeping already LOL.)
all kidding aside, people change. and the world changes. and life changes. so when those three meld together and interact, they're like waves: they can be either constructive or destructive. but of course, my philosophy on life is that no matter what, things happen for a reason, and i guess the branch of that logic that pertains to this says that no matter how the 'waves' interact in the short term, in the long-term it's always constructive.
a big part of the 'collision of waves' is the fact that people come and go in our lives. it's unavoidable. and we often wish that certain groups of people would stay forever in our lives. i'm so thankful that DSP has stuck together for such a long time. i mean, we are godbrothers & godsisters, and yes, our parents are so close that no matter what we ain't gonna leave each other, but still we could just as easily avoid each other. but no, through all our differences, we've stayed close. we really are siblings. but i wish the same held true for PACBC.
i miss being in the third-fourth marking period of my freshman year of high school. yes, i did come out of a particularly destructive relationship, but the timing was so perfect. at my lowest point, this group that i had met by chance through a cotillion lifted me up. i'm never gonna forget what they did for me, even if they themselves never realized it. i miss sportsworld - march 5, '05. i miss the cotillion and its aftermath - april 16, '05. i miss all the random times atchi would pick me up from school and drive me all the way to palisades center mall just to meet up with all the other PACBC heads. i miss being close to liz and all the talks we'd have. i miss being close to trisha, khristine and angeline and having our families close. i miss the antics of the guys that made me really pissed at first but then now that i look back, i really miss it. i miss the talks with melissa, because even though i know now that i was wrong, and she probably knew it all along, she let me vent to her, even when she was closer to my ex than me. HAHA i miss that time when we were all on the one bed in the room after the cotillion, and then i was trying to pull out the bobbie pins out of angeline's hair while talking to melissa and liz, who were taking bobbie pins out of other people's hair. they made such an impact on my life, and now i barely see them. that's what honestly hurts the most. and i just hope that i'd be able to be close to at least some of them, and i hope it happens soon, cus i miss them, a lot.
wow, i got really sidetracked. i guess my point is, no matter how much of an impact people make in your life, if they weren't meant to be in your life, then there will be a point when they have to go. but they leave an indelible mark on your heart, on your soul; a mark that can't be erased. and along with that mark are memories, forever emboldened in your mind, like a virtual scrapbook that you can flip open anytime to reminisce. the waves were probably destructive for this group, but in the end, it was constructive because we all got something out of it.
there's a lot of upheaval and change going on in my life right now. the seemingly indestructible pillar of strength just crumbled right before my eyes, and now there's no more 'perfect' that i can reference. as they say, 'all good things must come to an end.' but why this? why did the one thing that seemed perfect, forever, just crumble in a matter of months? yes, i know the reasons. but still, why?
but like i said, the world, its people, and their lives are all dynamic, never static. they don't stop for anyone, or for anything.
mainly, it made me realize that the world is dynamic, never static. the world doesn't sit still and wait for anyone. or anything. and it's the same with people. we change all the time, whether we realize it or not. and whether we like it or not. i can honestly say that i'm a totally different person now than i was on june 20, 2008 at midnight. (in fact, i was probably sleeping already LOL.)
all kidding aside, people change. and the world changes. and life changes. so when those three meld together and interact, they're like waves: they can be either constructive or destructive. but of course, my philosophy on life is that no matter what, things happen for a reason, and i guess the branch of that logic that pertains to this says that no matter how the 'waves' interact in the short term, in the long-term it's always constructive.
a big part of the 'collision of waves' is the fact that people come and go in our lives. it's unavoidable. and we often wish that certain groups of people would stay forever in our lives. i'm so thankful that DSP has stuck together for such a long time. i mean, we are godbrothers & godsisters, and yes, our parents are so close that no matter what we ain't gonna leave each other, but still we could just as easily avoid each other. but no, through all our differences, we've stayed close. we really are siblings. but i wish the same held true for PACBC.
i miss being in the third-fourth marking period of my freshman year of high school. yes, i did come out of a particularly destructive relationship, but the timing was so perfect. at my lowest point, this group that i had met by chance through a cotillion lifted me up. i'm never gonna forget what they did for me, even if they themselves never realized it. i miss sportsworld - march 5, '05. i miss the cotillion and its aftermath - april 16, '05. i miss all the random times atchi would pick me up from school and drive me all the way to palisades center mall just to meet up with all the other PACBC heads. i miss being close to liz and all the talks we'd have. i miss being close to trisha, khristine and angeline and having our families close. i miss the antics of the guys that made me really pissed at first but then now that i look back, i really miss it. i miss the talks with melissa, because even though i know now that i was wrong, and she probably knew it all along, she let me vent to her, even when she was closer to my ex than me. HAHA i miss that time when we were all on the one bed in the room after the cotillion, and then i was trying to pull out the bobbie pins out of angeline's hair while talking to melissa and liz, who were taking bobbie pins out of other people's hair. they made such an impact on my life, and now i barely see them. that's what honestly hurts the most. and i just hope that i'd be able to be close to at least some of them, and i hope it happens soon, cus i miss them, a lot.
wow, i got really sidetracked. i guess my point is, no matter how much of an impact people make in your life, if they weren't meant to be in your life, then there will be a point when they have to go. but they leave an indelible mark on your heart, on your soul; a mark that can't be erased. and along with that mark are memories, forever emboldened in your mind, like a virtual scrapbook that you can flip open anytime to reminisce. the waves were probably destructive for this group, but in the end, it was constructive because we all got something out of it.
there's a lot of upheaval and change going on in my life right now. the seemingly indestructible pillar of strength just crumbled right before my eyes, and now there's no more 'perfect' that i can reference. as they say, 'all good things must come to an end.' but why this? why did the one thing that seemed perfect, forever, just crumble in a matter of months? yes, i know the reasons. but still, why?
but like i said, the world, its people, and their lives are all dynamic, never static. they don't stop for anyone, or for anything.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
the rainbow connection.
a couple of weeks back (i think it was june 1st), i blogged about how i felt life was mundane with nothing to look forward to. and mae commented it with a little story that, although inspiring, didn't do it for me. tonight did it for me.
tonight was the celebration of one extraordinary life, that of dr. sara solberg. she was a teacher, a colleague, a mentor, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a friend, a visionary. she saw beauty in anything, from a beautiful painting to, as one alumnus said, "an old, run-down factory with its smokestacks protruding from behind."
i'm so mad that i never had the opportunity to be her student. but i do remember mrs. wasmuth always telling me that dr. solberg needed some technical help for videos and whatnot. and i'd help her, trudgingly because i never had her as a teacher so the apprehension of meeting someone new didn't help. but she was so nice to me. and everyone was right. she didn't know the meaning of 'no'. and i wish i could apply that.
people always say 'if there's a will, there's a way.' i know that i give up fairly easily or i don't really put my heart into something i really want, just because ... idk. but dr. solberg always wanted a yes. she freaking even took a chemistry class IN MCNAIR! she watched copenhagen, the play, and she was so enthralled by it that she wanted to understand more. so she attended mr. stanton's class. now, mr. stanton's half her age but she totally acted like a really good student, asking questions and taking tests and whatnot.
hearing the stories from dr. solberg's family, friends, colleagues, and students really did something to me. if dr. solberg knew me better she probably wouldn't like me. why? well mr. delo put this in my yearbook, that i was still too into my shell and it was time that i got out. but i think dr. solberg would've been a great help for that. no, i was never an english guy, but i think she'd still appreciate me and help me. because she was that type of person.
at the end, her brother played and sung 'the rainbow connection', the song kermit sang to miss piggy. and dr. solberg was def a lover and a dreamer. she dreamt about what could be and went out of her way to make it reality.
i could just go on and on about how amazing this woman is, but i guess what i mean to say is that the world just lost one of its greatest minds. and i think it's fitting that she got the memorial that she did, because she really deserved it.
thank you, dr. solberg.
tonight was the celebration of one extraordinary life, that of dr. sara solberg. she was a teacher, a colleague, a mentor, a musician, a singer, a photographer, a friend, a visionary. she saw beauty in anything, from a beautiful painting to, as one alumnus said, "an old, run-down factory with its smokestacks protruding from behind."
i'm so mad that i never had the opportunity to be her student. but i do remember mrs. wasmuth always telling me that dr. solberg needed some technical help for videos and whatnot. and i'd help her, trudgingly because i never had her as a teacher so the apprehension of meeting someone new didn't help. but she was so nice to me. and everyone was right. she didn't know the meaning of 'no'. and i wish i could apply that.
people always say 'if there's a will, there's a way.' i know that i give up fairly easily or i don't really put my heart into something i really want, just because ... idk. but dr. solberg always wanted a yes. she freaking even took a chemistry class IN MCNAIR! she watched copenhagen, the play, and she was so enthralled by it that she wanted to understand more. so she attended mr. stanton's class. now, mr. stanton's half her age but she totally acted like a really good student, asking questions and taking tests and whatnot.
hearing the stories from dr. solberg's family, friends, colleagues, and students really did something to me. if dr. solberg knew me better she probably wouldn't like me. why? well mr. delo put this in my yearbook, that i was still too into my shell and it was time that i got out. but i think dr. solberg would've been a great help for that. no, i was never an english guy, but i think she'd still appreciate me and help me. because she was that type of person.
at the end, her brother played and sung 'the rainbow connection', the song kermit sang to miss piggy. and dr. solberg was def a lover and a dreamer. she dreamt about what could be and went out of her way to make it reality.
i could just go on and on about how amazing this woman is, but i guess what i mean to say is that the world just lost one of its greatest minds. and i think it's fitting that she got the memorial that she did, because she really deserved it.
thank you, dr. solberg.
Friday, June 12, 2009
walking to mech solids class.
every MWF morning, i wake up at 9. go straight to the shower, get dressed, and head out by 9:20 or 9:30. it's a 10 minute commute even though i only live like a mile or two away, stupid pedestrians and stoplights and stop signs. i park the car, usually at the 6th street lot, and then walk to hoboken bagels to get breakfast. then i walk back to class.
today, as i was walking back to class, two thoughts came to my mind. (the second one's the focus of this whole thing, so you can skip to that one if you want.)
1. i passed by a parked Lexus LX570. you know, the new 2009/2010 ones. and damn, it was b-e-a-UTIFUL. idk, toyolex did a good job with the Land Cruiser/LX570. i still don't see why someone would pick the LX over the LC, because the they're exactly the same, even in opulence. yet the LX costs like 10-15k more than the LC? no sense to me. and if i was EVER caught driving a toyolex (besides the Highlander and Sequoia my dad had), i woud wanna get caught driving an LX or LC. those are the only two in either of their lineups that are really worth it. cus the other cars are crap. hahaha
2. okay the important one. whoever reads this probably knows me well, and they know i love math. a couple of days ago, i made a new blog on tumblr just so i could see the different customization possibilities and shit. and so i had to make a title for the blog, and a description. so i named it 'the modulus of happiness.' and the description said 'happiness is proportional to life through its modulus.' well, that description is sort of off. i think it should've been that fulfillment is directly proportional to life through the modulus of success.
lost already? hear me out.
let's denote fulfillment with the letter F, life = L, and modulus of success = S.
so F is proportional to L directly, and F=SL.
so what if we graph this? we get a line of slope S. if we analyze this graph we can analyze it directly, analyze its derivative, and analyze its integral. so let's go in order, and analyze the integral.
i guess here, the equation doesnt make sense ( int(F) = SL^2 ). but integrals are the area under the graph. so if we look back at how we worded this (that fulfillment is life times modulus of success), we get this statement:
the integral of the function is where you've been before and how much you've already acheived.
so the greater the area under the curve, the higher amount of material, physical, and mental satisfaction you've achieved over the years. what determines how much satisfaction you've had? the modulus of success, S. the higher the number, the more you've achieved in the past.
i guess since we're talking about the modulus already, let's look at the derivative of F: F' = S. this means that your modulus of success determines how far you're gonna go. i know this is a really rough simile, because S could be very well a variable. but for simplicity's sake, let's say it's a constant. S is determined by your happiness in your life, as well as what you're doing in terms of career path and in terms of religion and other spiritual aspects. as such, it is a very abstract concept, but i guess you could say you can rate your success on a numerical scale. so the higher this 'constant' S, the higher amount of satisfaction you have. the higher the slope of your 'graph of life', your fulfillment graph.
and then obviously, the graph of F itself signifies where you are now. determined by the dependent variable Life (i guess in terms of time). how fulfilled you are depends on how long you've lived (assuming you wanna base life in terms of time) and your modulus of success.
this is really a rough sketch of a simile for life, because not everyone's lives are linear. but we can say they're polynomials, because there will always be ups and downs but in the end, you either go up (polynomial of odd degree) or down (polynomial of even degree).
oh, the things i think of as i walk to the Stevens building for mech solids class.
today, as i was walking back to class, two thoughts came to my mind. (the second one's the focus of this whole thing, so you can skip to that one if you want.)
1. i passed by a parked Lexus LX570. you know, the new 2009/2010 ones. and damn, it was b-e-a-UTIFUL. idk, toyolex did a good job with the Land Cruiser/LX570. i still don't see why someone would pick the LX over the LC, because the they're exactly the same, even in opulence. yet the LX costs like 10-15k more than the LC? no sense to me. and if i was EVER caught driving a toyolex (besides the Highlander and Sequoia my dad had), i woud wanna get caught driving an LX or LC. those are the only two in either of their lineups that are really worth it. cus the other cars are crap. hahaha
2. okay the important one. whoever reads this probably knows me well, and they know i love math. a couple of days ago, i made a new blog on tumblr just so i could see the different customization possibilities and shit. and so i had to make a title for the blog, and a description. so i named it 'the modulus of happiness.' and the description said 'happiness is proportional to life through its modulus.' well, that description is sort of off. i think it should've been that fulfillment is directly proportional to life through the modulus of success.
lost already? hear me out.
let's denote fulfillment with the letter F, life = L, and modulus of success = S.
so F is proportional to L directly, and F=SL.
so what if we graph this? we get a line of slope S. if we analyze this graph we can analyze it directly, analyze its derivative, and analyze its integral. so let's go in order, and analyze the integral.
i guess here, the equation doesnt make sense ( int(F) = SL^2 ). but integrals are the area under the graph. so if we look back at how we worded this (that fulfillment is life times modulus of success), we get this statement:
the integral of the function is where you've been before and how much you've already acheived.
so the greater the area under the curve, the higher amount of material, physical, and mental satisfaction you've achieved over the years. what determines how much satisfaction you've had? the modulus of success, S. the higher the number, the more you've achieved in the past.
i guess since we're talking about the modulus already, let's look at the derivative of F: F' = S. this means that your modulus of success determines how far you're gonna go. i know this is a really rough simile, because S could be very well a variable. but for simplicity's sake, let's say it's a constant. S is determined by your happiness in your life, as well as what you're doing in terms of career path and in terms of religion and other spiritual aspects. as such, it is a very abstract concept, but i guess you could say you can rate your success on a numerical scale. so the higher this 'constant' S, the higher amount of satisfaction you have. the higher the slope of your 'graph of life', your fulfillment graph.
and then obviously, the graph of F itself signifies where you are now. determined by the dependent variable Life (i guess in terms of time). how fulfilled you are depends on how long you've lived (assuming you wanna base life in terms of time) and your modulus of success.
this is really a rough sketch of a simile for life, because not everyone's lives are linear. but we can say they're polynomials, because there will always be ups and downs but in the end, you either go up (polynomial of odd degree) or down (polynomial of even degree).
oh, the things i think of as i walk to the Stevens building for mech solids class.
quotation.
kailangan mo ako kasi mahal mo ako? o mahal mo ako kasi kailangan mo ako?
one of the most important questions.
one of the most important questions.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
more contemplations.
so i was at mcnair's open mic. and honestly, i was really disappointed. there were more shitty acts than truly good ones. but there were a couple that stood out.
the first one was jason and his sister performing realize by colbie caillat.
if you just realize what i just realized,
that we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another.
just realize what i just realized,
we'd never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other now.
sure. when this song came on, first thing that came to my mind was that this doesn't have to apply to just lovers. it can also apply to friends! right? meh, maybe. but it was my sad excuse for sending lyrics to someone i really cared about whom i knew would never reciprocate the feelings. that's what i realized. keep on keepin' on, my motto for forever.
i also heard this song sitting next to a girl i really cared about all through my senior year of high school. i picked her up from RU-N a couple of hours before, and i have to say the prospect of us never left my mind. but she started telling me about this guy she was seeing. you know, i was really happy for her, but i got kinda jealous. like we're mad close. and like, i always thought i'd have a chance. of course, i was wrong. then the song came on, and i looked at her.
AHH before i forget! she mentioned something that TOTALLY makes sense: labels ruin everything. that's why she and the guy she's seeing aren't boyfriend-girlfriend! they know they dig each other. that's enough for them. that's really cute. and she's right, with the label comes pressure. and other things.
but back to what i was saying before. i was also a bit disappointed in her, because she had always said that she'd lay off the guys for a while, if you know what i mean. like, relationships weren't her thing for a long time. and thats why i guess i didn't try harder. but then here she is now, head over heels for this seemingly perfect guy. and i don't know, that had the slightest chance of being me. oh well.
ANYWAY. second song was almost lover by a fine frenzy, sung by my good friend sarah and played on the piano by my other good friend candace.
goodbye, my almost lover.
goodbye, my hopeless dream.
i'm trying not to think about you;
can't you just let me be?
this song reminded me about the person i liked for the whole spring semester. i mean, i think i'm close to over her now. but for a long time, those lyrics were exactly my feelings towards her. lol i'm just glad i got over it, haha.
the one song that probably made the most impact on me was a medley that candace played later. it was a medley of yiruma songs... river flows in you and kiss the rain. these songs just leave you at peace whenever you hear them; definitely the perfect anti-stress songs out there. give them a listen if you have the time.
until later, fools. ;]
the first one was jason and his sister performing realize by colbie caillat.
if you just realize what i just realized,
that we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another.
just realize what i just realized,
we'd never have to wonder
if we missed out on each other now.
sure. when this song came on, first thing that came to my mind was that this doesn't have to apply to just lovers. it can also apply to friends! right? meh, maybe. but it was my sad excuse for sending lyrics to someone i really cared about whom i knew would never reciprocate the feelings. that's what i realized. keep on keepin' on, my motto for forever.
i also heard this song sitting next to a girl i really cared about all through my senior year of high school. i picked her up from RU-N a couple of hours before, and i have to say the prospect of us never left my mind. but she started telling me about this guy she was seeing. you know, i was really happy for her, but i got kinda jealous. like we're mad close. and like, i always thought i'd have a chance. of course, i was wrong. then the song came on, and i looked at her.
AHH before i forget! she mentioned something that TOTALLY makes sense: labels ruin everything. that's why she and the guy she's seeing aren't boyfriend-girlfriend! they know they dig each other. that's enough for them. that's really cute. and she's right, with the label comes pressure. and other things.
but back to what i was saying before. i was also a bit disappointed in her, because she had always said that she'd lay off the guys for a while, if you know what i mean. like, relationships weren't her thing for a long time. and thats why i guess i didn't try harder. but then here she is now, head over heels for this seemingly perfect guy. and i don't know, that had the slightest chance of being me. oh well.
ANYWAY. second song was almost lover by a fine frenzy, sung by my good friend sarah and played on the piano by my other good friend candace.
goodbye, my almost lover.
goodbye, my hopeless dream.
i'm trying not to think about you;
can't you just let me be?
this song reminded me about the person i liked for the whole spring semester. i mean, i think i'm close to over her now. but for a long time, those lyrics were exactly my feelings towards her. lol i'm just glad i got over it, haha.
the one song that probably made the most impact on me was a medley that candace played later. it was a medley of yiruma songs... river flows in you and kiss the rain. these songs just leave you at peace whenever you hear them; definitely the perfect anti-stress songs out there. give them a listen if you have the time.
until later, fools. ;]
Sunday, June 7, 2009
contemplation.
so many things are running through my mind.
haha, i was watching you changed my life the other day. good movie, typical filipino cheesy love movie. but a line that stood out was what miggy's assistant was telling him, "kung ako si laida, baka pagod na pagod na ako. kasi walang tigil na ako'ng tumatakbo sa isip mo eh." that could pretty much sum up how i'm feeling. i think? ahh i don't even know.
before anything else, let me say this: i love my best friends to death. like no lie. i'd die for them.
now let the ranting start.
it's more of a rant on myself. the bests have done NOTHING wrong at all. we talk often, we talk about important issues. we support each other when needed. s'all good, right?
i wanted to prove that a guy could be straight and still have girls as best friends. i'm sure there are tons of guys who can confide best in girls and vice versa. but honestly, it creates a problem if your best friends are in relationships. not necessarily a problem. i'm cool with their boyfriends, i think they're awesome. but i can't help but feel really really awkward. what's funny is, it's not awkward in person AT ALL. i can hang out with them and not be a third wheel; that's why they're awesome. BUT i don't know, i feel like i have to limit myself. i feel like i can't talk to them a lot. i feel like i can't do anything much with them. hang out once in a while, yeah that's okay. but if i just wanna genuinely visit my best friend often. i feel like i can't do that. and i don't wanna talk about it with them because they probably won't see where i'm coming from. they'll think that i should just act normal and shiz. but what IS normal? what is my code of conduct toward a best friend? can i do the same things with these best friends that say, girl best friends do together or guy best friends do together? like hang out and stuff? idunno, filipino society tends to think like "oh if you are with a girl a LOT, you're her boyfriend." but NO! i DON'T want it to be that way! i just don't want everyone else to think that way because that could cause a lot of problems. and i guess the bottom line is, i don't want to cause problems. i just confide in girls a whole lot better than i do in guys. and i know i shouldn't let social stigma rule the way i live but that's a fact of life today. and there's nothing i can do about it rather than shape my life around it.
so, to my best friends, if it seems like i've been shady lately, i'm just trying to control myself. because your boyfriends should come first. and i'm tryna take the backseat. not talk as often and such. sacrifice, i guess?
i don't know if i'm making sense; i'm probably not. you, the reader, are probably reading this and saying to yourself this guy is wasting megabytes on the blogger server. whytf is he worrying about stupid shit? and i agree, it is. but i feel like i HAVE to worry about it. i just don't want things to escalate. get me? probably still no, but at least i vented.
i think the big problem is that i have that filipino mentality. when i see a guy and a girl together often, it's like automatic in my mind: they're going out. i know there's always more to the story. and i wish people would be mindful of that, too. (btw, yes biff, i lied; i AM a hypocrite LOL.) i shouldn't worry about the perceptions of others. but sometimes, especially in the filipino community, those perceptions can lead to gossip. and gossip kills relationships. i don't want that to happen.
there are many times i wish i could confide in guys way more than girls. but i think i can attribute this to the fact that i grew up around my cousins on my mom's side; here in the states, all of them are girls except for me. the environment is what probably trained my mind. but if i was like a regular ol' guy, i wouldn't have to worry about this. but c'est la vie. can't do anything about it now.
but there are even MORE times when i'm thankful my best friends are girls. because they let me be a typical guy around them, yet i can tell them things i'd never tell another guy. hahaha!
screw gender-specific roles.
totally unrelated...
this year is the year i make a change for myself. proactive is the name of the game.
before i go. here's a question for you ladies..
what the heck do i do that automatically makes me friend status? HA.
haha, i was watching you changed my life the other day. good movie, typical filipino cheesy love movie. but a line that stood out was what miggy's assistant was telling him, "kung ako si laida, baka pagod na pagod na ako. kasi walang tigil na ako'ng tumatakbo sa isip mo eh." that could pretty much sum up how i'm feeling. i think? ahh i don't even know.
before anything else, let me say this: i love my best friends to death. like no lie. i'd die for them.
now let the ranting start.
it's more of a rant on myself. the bests have done NOTHING wrong at all. we talk often, we talk about important issues. we support each other when needed. s'all good, right?
i wanted to prove that a guy could be straight and still have girls as best friends. i'm sure there are tons of guys who can confide best in girls and vice versa. but honestly, it creates a problem if your best friends are in relationships. not necessarily a problem. i'm cool with their boyfriends, i think they're awesome. but i can't help but feel really really awkward. what's funny is, it's not awkward in person AT ALL. i can hang out with them and not be a third wheel; that's why they're awesome. BUT i don't know, i feel like i have to limit myself. i feel like i can't talk to them a lot. i feel like i can't do anything much with them. hang out once in a while, yeah that's okay. but if i just wanna genuinely visit my best friend often. i feel like i can't do that. and i don't wanna talk about it with them because they probably won't see where i'm coming from. they'll think that i should just act normal and shiz. but what IS normal? what is my code of conduct toward a best friend? can i do the same things with these best friends that say, girl best friends do together or guy best friends do together? like hang out and stuff? idunno, filipino society tends to think like "oh if you are with a girl a LOT, you're her boyfriend." but NO! i DON'T want it to be that way! i just don't want everyone else to think that way because that could cause a lot of problems. and i guess the bottom line is, i don't want to cause problems. i just confide in girls a whole lot better than i do in guys. and i know i shouldn't let social stigma rule the way i live but that's a fact of life today. and there's nothing i can do about it rather than shape my life around it.
so, to my best friends, if it seems like i've been shady lately, i'm just trying to control myself. because your boyfriends should come first. and i'm tryna take the backseat. not talk as often and such. sacrifice, i guess?
i don't know if i'm making sense; i'm probably not. you, the reader, are probably reading this and saying to yourself this guy is wasting megabytes on the blogger server. whytf is he worrying about stupid shit? and i agree, it is. but i feel like i HAVE to worry about it. i just don't want things to escalate. get me? probably still no, but at least i vented.
i think the big problem is that i have that filipino mentality. when i see a guy and a girl together often, it's like automatic in my mind: they're going out. i know there's always more to the story. and i wish people would be mindful of that, too. (btw, yes biff, i lied; i AM a hypocrite LOL.) i shouldn't worry about the perceptions of others. but sometimes, especially in the filipino community, those perceptions can lead to gossip. and gossip kills relationships. i don't want that to happen.
there are many times i wish i could confide in guys way more than girls. but i think i can attribute this to the fact that i grew up around my cousins on my mom's side; here in the states, all of them are girls except for me. the environment is what probably trained my mind. but if i was like a regular ol' guy, i wouldn't have to worry about this. but c'est la vie. can't do anything about it now.
but there are even MORE times when i'm thankful my best friends are girls. because they let me be a typical guy around them, yet i can tell them things i'd never tell another guy. hahaha!
screw gender-specific roles.
totally unrelated...
this year is the year i make a change for myself. proactive is the name of the game.
before i go. here's a question for you ladies..
what the heck do i do that automatically makes me friend status? HA.
Monday, June 1, 2009
wha?
where am i? what the hell is going on?
i feel like i'm in a void that is comprised a whole bunch of aspects that result in a tired, uninspired me.
i've been so moody lately and i don't know why. really, i don't. i know i told biff before that i don't like it when people say "i don't know" when you could tell (by the intonations of their voice or their gestures) that they really DO know. but seriously, i wish i knew why. i've been getting annoyed at the stupidest things. and i almost threw a fit when i found out we were switching to fios. when i had no reason to. the hell..?
i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. i find myself going to school MWF. and then when i'm at home i'm either on my computer or taking a nap. since when has my life been THAT mundane? maybe the lack of TV in my room is taking a toll. and maybe verizon can actually get me some cable service in this room, lol. nah but really, usually i have things to look forward to. little things like events and such. but even if there's events, nowadays i just don't look forward to it.
i need inspiration. quite frankly, i don't have it. i don't see it in anyone or anything.
inspire me.
i feel like i'm in a void that is comprised a whole bunch of aspects that result in a tired, uninspired me.
i've been so moody lately and i don't know why. really, i don't. i know i told biff before that i don't like it when people say "i don't know" when you could tell (by the intonations of their voice or their gestures) that they really DO know. but seriously, i wish i knew why. i've been getting annoyed at the stupidest things. and i almost threw a fit when i found out we were switching to fios. when i had no reason to. the hell..?
i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. i find myself going to school MWF. and then when i'm at home i'm either on my computer or taking a nap. since when has my life been THAT mundane? maybe the lack of TV in my room is taking a toll. and maybe verizon can actually get me some cable service in this room, lol. nah but really, usually i have things to look forward to. little things like events and such. but even if there's events, nowadays i just don't look forward to it.
i need inspiration. quite frankly, i don't have it. i don't see it in anyone or anything.
inspire me.
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