happiness.

the beatles sang about happiness. they said that happiness is a warm gun.

i know of someone who has a peculiar screenname. i won't say what it is, but it has to do with the word 'elmo'. if you take out the letter 'l', you get the word 'emo'.

the irony in it is so amazing. 'elmo' makes me think of a happy character from sesame street, yet 'emo' connotes a sad person sitting in a corner with a razorblade. is happiness that fragile? it's like trying to balance on the tip of a needle.

in the dog-eat-dog world that we live in today, we are forced to set aside our happiness in order to conform. we work hard to achieve material satisfaction, but is this really happiness? happiness is deeper than fabric; it's deeper than something tactile. but once it is encountered, it can be felt, and the feeling cannot be mistaken for anything else.

my happiness? it's really quite simple. i am happy when i see everyone around me happy. i am also happy when people confide in me for help, to vent, or just as a person to talk to. i like being friends with everyone, and i don't have a reason not to be.

but we have to be careful, because sometimes happiness is a double-edged sword. sometimes we say we are happy for one reason, but that reason isn't permanent. we have to be aware that the reason for 'happiness' can screw us over. once we find the happiness that won't ever leave, then we know it's the one.

before i go, i'd like to share a quote that really got me thinking.

"why is it that people who have voices always have to hide the most beautiful words in their hearts?"

it's probably just because a person's psyche is complex; there are many layers. and it takes a lot for them to uncover their true selves. but when the true self is brought out, it is nothing but beauty. usually we say the best words with the best meaning and feeling when we least think about the words we say, because it is the subconscious talking.

until next time.

starting to lose it.

i don't wanna fuck it up. i don't wanna fuck anything up.

rude awakening: college is HARD.

whatever. i'll deal. i can raise those grades up anyway. i always have help, too. oh well...

i absolutely hate it when people are mad at me. i want to be okay with everyone. but sometimes the things i do, although they mean well, hurt people. it took me a long time to realize that. but now i'm sorry for it. i hope forgiveness comes soon, because it hurts. i already did all i can do... it's up to the other person whether to take me back in or not. i hope the person takes me back in though...

i found the one true person at stevens with whom i can connect. in the mere span of a month we went from not knowing each other to the best of friends. i love her, because she completes me. in a brother-sister kind of way. =)

and i started talking to a long lost friend. that was a big sigh of relief. turns out she didn't hate me or anything; we just lost touch. i guess that's good.

i guess for every good thing to happen, there needs to be a bad thing to balance it out. so two REALLY good things get balanced by two REALLY bad things. it's all about balance, i guess. but i'll learn from my mistakes. i'll be a better person. i won't meddle in anyone else's affairs. i'll do me.

until next time.

these are the best days of my life...

it's been a while since i've been here. you can thank the busiest year of my life for that.

senior year at mcnair was bittersweet. the better days were full of bliss; hanging out with the people i thought i cared about the most made me feel complete. but everyday was filled with doubt, with uncertainty, with... dare i say it? fear. and it was all stupid, 'cause i blew shit out of proportion. those videos took a lot of time but they didn't have to. but i got them done. classwork was fine. i miss my mcnair friends. i think i still have some sort of feelings for her. but that's all behind me now.

a new dawn. a new era. a new beginning. a time for revolution... or rather, evolution. stevens is a world of difference from mcnair. it's chill, relaxing; it's a great educational environment. and no, i'm not bullshitting. though i wish i picked physics instead of modern civ...

and the new set of friends are amazing. only three weeks into school and they're like family. awesome. :D

until next time, 'cause i don't know what else to put up. haha