randomisations.

i feel as if i'm on top. of a hill. not a mountain, cause i could feel better than this. but this is goooood. =)

i was looking at the facebook profiles of my really close friends, and i noticed that most of them used my pictures as their defaults. it isn't significant, i know, but it feels more than fulfilling to know that the 'work' i do is appreciated. let's be honest... i'm not that great of a photographer. forreal. but i love taking pictures for many reasons. i love that digital technology is combined with an old art and creativity of the mind to create a still frame of an endearing moment in time. the techie in me can draw out the creative side of me that has been hidden for a very long time. and i love capturing these moments. priceless moments, precious moments. this is why i love candids... capturing smiles and gestures at their most natural state. but i digress. seeing that my work is appreciated... my goal is accomplished. i constantly kick myself for composing horrible shots. but although composition is VERY important, at the end of the day, all i want to do is capture memories that will last a long time for everyone to see and enjoy. and i think i've done that. which is more than fulfilling.

another thing that is so fulfilling is having a best friend. and really, there's best friends, then there's biff. i can't thank you enough for being you. idunno, forreal i haven't been this close or this open to anyone else since liz. yeah, okay, the only thing that was different was that i had feelings for her. but yeah, i digress. strongest friendship i've ever had, and i can say that honestly. really, and i've told you this before (and you've experienced it with neil), it's not the amount of time you have together but the quality of the time spent. look at you, you're much happier with neil in less than a month than you've ever been with rb in the span of a year and a half. in the same way, we've grown more in a couple of months than we have with our other friends over a number of years... (btw, this means I'M RIGHT. means I PWN. xD) thanks for caring more than anyone else. thanks for just... being there. you get me, and that's what i like the most about this whole thing. who woulda ever thought that you and me would be best friends? i mean, at the beginning of the school year i didn't expect you to be more than an 'okay' friend. nahmeans? but the best things are def unexpected. aand btw, i still have to write down that list of promises. hehe. amen for second chances. =) gosh no one's ever been this good to me...

i'm glad biff & i promised forever. cause what's about to come for all of us is a test of willpower. school is only going to get harder from here, and not only that, we have to worry about working. and after a while, we'll have to accrue some of our parents' debts as repayment for raising us for so long. we'll be working our asses off... and the financial crunch isn't helping. i'm already feeling it... but it's my fault for insisting on getting a bmw. but i'm not a little kid anymore... i can't just wish that the bmw turned into a nice vw diesel that gets great mileage plus is probably easier on maintenance. (well i lied about maintenance. but hooray for diesel.) in a couple of months i'll be assuming the payments for the car. and before it seemed like a really good idea, cause of co-op and all.. but now idk. maybe i'm just freaaaking out about the future, lol.

the future... marriage. he's just not that into you pops into my head again. the proposal at the end of the movie will always get to me. that guy is ingenious... i never would've thought about using old jeans she hates to hide the ring. but he was rigit before, though. he didn't believe in marriage because marriage was all pomp and circumstance when what was really important was the bond between a man and a woman, and as long as they know they share it, they don't need to broadcast it with the world. because they're not inlove with the world, they're in love with each other. and that's it. no one else needs to know... i really like this philosophy, but if i ever told my parents this they'd slap me. ahahah.

parents. i want a job asap. i want to pay rent. why? so that i don't feel like i'm chained to this house anymore. i mean yeah, they've gotten more lenient over the past months, but really? treat me like i'm five? i hate it. i hate it also when they repeat themselves 98156195 times. and when they ask 34924519856192 questions. DANG I MADE MYSELF FREAKING CLEAR THE FIRST TIME! if not, then THE SECOND. STOP ANNOYING ME, I HATE IT.


i can say that i'm happy. but of course, i'll be happier when fate lends me a helping hand with love. it's still a long way away, but i'll be waiting. =) it's nice to be second in someone's life, because i feel important still. but it would also be nice to be first in another person's life. which is the aim. ;]

the perfect order.

"she won't be an 'almost order', and she'll come with the 'dressing'."
my favorite line =)

i'm so afraid of it going back to how it was before.

but again, maybe i should listen to my own advice.
don't try too hard.

annoyed.

so for some reason, this week anything & everything has been annoying me. forreal.

first of all, gilles should've won, not shawn. but whatever, it's a popularity contest, not a contest of dance, even though that's what the name implies (im pretty sure it was dancing with the stars, not being popular with the stars).
EDIT 3:55pm that was really harsh. cause shawn is a really good dancer as well. her movements are so sharp and precise. but gilles is also really good... i guess that's why the margin of victory was less than 1%. congrats shawn ;]

second of all, a friend has been nagging me very often about what i consider to be nothing and i am really getting upset. i'll call this friend gigi from he's just not that into you. watch the movie and come to the realization gigi had, please?! and fuck the signs, for God's sake!

third of all - well this one, i'm not annoyed. i was a bit let down. because i told a friend about my conquering of the 'feeling' (see blog below) and all she could say was ohh that's good i guess. wtf! i mean, dang i actually talked to the girl about it and whatever and now i have a new really good friend! be happy for me! dangit! and don't come back criticizing the girl either! not everyone works the way you do!


okay the last one, i think it was overdoing it. but it really bothered me, lol.

so that was that.

and i can finally say i'm over it. no, i never told her how i felt. and yeah, it was just an aim convo. but i was able to feel how happy she was. and i'm not going to interfere with that. i just told her that i'm going to be there for her no matter what, and i'm really happy for her. and none of my words were lies. not gonna lie, it hurts a bit, but i think i'm happier now than before that convo. because i think i just gained another close friend. =)



love can wait. for now, i can finally say that i'm content. =D
not gonna lie, still jealous that everyone around me has someone LOL

LOL.

i promised myself that i'd do this one day - that i'd make a post just out of lyrics.

so...
showstopper, you are a jaw-dropper; when i see you in the lights, you make everything alright. but my heart shakes along with my hands. cause [you're] all that i see, and [you're] all that i need, and i'm out of my league once again. but i feel like i need you so that we can live happily too; i just want you. cause you're the one who makes me see...

and, like i want to but i can't help it, i love the way you feel. just kinda stuck between my fantasy and what is real. i need it when i want it; i want it when i don't. tell myself i'll stop every day knowing that i won't. i got a problem and i don't know what to do about it. even if i did i don't know if i would quit, but i doubt it. i'm taken by the thought of you... and i know this much is true, that baby you have become my addiction. i'm so strung out on you, i can barely move but i like it, and it's all because of you... my life has changed, thank you for the love and the joy you bring. and because of you, i feel no shame; i'll tell the world, it's because of you. the magic in your eyes, true love i can't deny. when you hold me, i just lose control. and i want you to know, that i'm never letting go. you mean so much to me, i want the world to see it's because of you... so sprung out, ain't no doubt.

LOL i love the last paragraph. forreal forreal. hahahaha!

so yeah, last night was just a momentary relapse. but i don't think it's come on at all today so i'm good. still on that 'keep on keepin' on' attitude, and i think it'll do me good. so what if i see her during both summer sessions? i don't care, it's whatever. i'll just fulfill that one promise i made her a long time ago and then that's that; i don't owe her anything after that. she can go dilly-dallying with her boytoy all she wants. cause i (want to be) done with that. i'm through with her.

heartache, heartache, i just have so much; a simple love with a complex touch. there is nothing you can say or do. i just called to let you know i'm through with you.

maroon 5 is awesome.

anyway, i've gotten really excited over summer classes the past few hours cause biff told me she might do them too. and not only that, we might be in the same class! it would be really cool to actually have a class with her. cause like we can do homework together and stuff. idk, i always used to think that doing homework together was cool. and we can study together and stuff... yeah. hahaha but something tells me it's not gonna come through =/ i'm hoping though!

and maybe a summer job is in my future. within the next couple of days i'm gonna go to barnes & noble in hoboken to inquire about a job. i really need one; there's so many things i wanna buy! (see the LISTS blog from may 11.) and yeah, gas for the X5 is more than i bargained for. =/ but i love my maria lena!

random songs keep on popping into my head...
you can't hurry love; you just have to wait. they said love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take...

hmmm... so this week is going to be very busy. not only does summer class start, i'm going to mcnair on tuesday. and i really need to step up the practicing for saturday, when james and i have to play music for mae's mom's healing mass. i love the songs that we've chosen so far, though =) ANYWAY. and i'm going to the epik high fan meet thingy on thursday. hahaha yeaah. weird, i guess.

i think this needs to end or else i'll be blabbering about the most random shit. LOL
until next time ;]

eff.

i always do this.
i tell myself that i'm moving on, but i always get back to square one. damn her.

bittersweet symphony.

i finished finals yesterday, and so far i can't complain with the grades. B in calc & thermo, and A in design. i'm waiting on circuits and E&M... really anxious about those.

i really couldn't wait for school to end, but it sucks that all my friends had to move back to their homes. we promised we'd see each other A LOT over the summer but plans fall through a lot. but i'm really gonna try to get all of us together, esp for the fair =) =) =)

it's cool though, me, walker, james, jkim, jenn, and deonne are still in jersey city. i know i'll be seeing them a LOT. hahaha.

i'm really excited for the summer though. i really wanna reconnect with mcnair friends that i haven't seen in forever. i love college, but i really miss the people i used to hang out with... i hang out with steph and linda every now and then, but people like peter chu, cindy, christine, hongju, unicel, fani, etc, etc... i miss them.

and this summer, i hope to hang out with DSP more. cause like, we barely hung out during the year. five of us are in college! LOL so i was talking to bea and jess in the car, and i told them to get me a rutgers and kean sticker. and i think imma tell paola to get me a NSC sticker, mia should get me a NJCU one, and chris should def get me a SHU one. i figure i'm keeping the X5 for a LONG time, so might as well honor DSP with our colleges on the trunk! =)

so yesterday, i helped walker and james move out of palmer and into an apartment on fairmount. five round trips total >< 3 yesterday, 2 today. AND i helped bea move out of rutgers. crazy stuff. at least i got cheesecake factory in the end :D

a while back, there was a picture survey thing on facebook that was going around. and i took it. and one of the questions was to look for a picture that made my heart hurt.

if i were to take that quiz now, it would be any picture from davis 314. for almost ten months, that place was my second home, my refuge... the end of the semester was really bittersweet, cause i really wanted classes to end, but i never wanted school to end. here comes the cheesy part...

dedications.
there's a song i was listening to just now. it's by adele; it's called make you feel my love. and i think it describes our friendship perfectly..

when the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, i could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. when the evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, i could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.

as you all already know, we've only been best friends for 'phase 2' for only about a month now. i'll always regret being stubborn and stupid, cause i missed out on a lot of things. i left her at her weakest, and i think i'll always partly blame myself for her rough start to the semester. but i'm glad we've worked things out. i talk to this girl every night on aim, and each night we learn something new, whether it's about each other, or about our relationships. i think that is the definition of a perfect friendship. perfect. and it's better than 'phase 1' in every way.

biff, you and i know that each of us is going to have our own relationships with other people, but in the end, we'll always have each other to be the other's backbone & strength. thank you for everything.


this one was unexpected. at the beginning of the first semester, i did something i never should've done. it's nothing more than a lesson learned now, but for a long time, she hated me for it. (i don't like it when she jokes about it now, though. =/) but this semester, i think we grew a lot closer. it always ends up being me, her, and her boyfriend in the dorm, but it's never awkward and i'm never treated like a third wheel. and we always go out =) like random drives to secaucus or mitsuwa or anywhere.

and really, if it wasn't for her, i'd have no friends at stevens. and i wouldn't have a group of people that i could call family. =)

mae, i love you to death. thank you for everything xD and here's to the summer and the FAIR!


those are the two people that have impacted my stevens life the most. i have other people to thank, such as tons of people from humphries, and the boyfriends of those two girls and their friends. together, they have all shaped up a great foundation for the rest of my 5 years at stevens =)


i got really lazy at the end of this, can you tell? LOL.

LISTS!

hahahah so yeah, i'm supposed to be studying for circuits. an OPEN-BOOK final. the fact that i have to study for an open book final just tells you how horrible that class is. DANGIT.

but of course, i'm semi-lazy. and i have a lot of lists in my head... so let's do some listing!

list #1: finals that i STILL have to take -____-

• circuits, today, 1-5 pm (i hope i'm out by 2 or 3.)
• thermo tomorrow, 8am-12pm FML.
• physics tomorrow, 8am-12pm.

FUCK MY LIFE. IM SO JEALOUS OF EVERYONE THAT'S DONE ALREADY. which means most of the freshmen... FML FML.

list #2: summer things that NEED to be done during the summer! LOL

• freakin MEADOWLANDS FAIR! third week of june to sunday after independence day.
• stuff for my birthday...? =)
• an nyc art museums day with fat ;]
• LAI'S SWEEEEEEEET 16 hehehehe
• beaaaaaach!
• WOODBURY! & other outlets! yay for asking parents for money. HAHA
• road trippppp...? PLEASE?

hahahahahaa i can't wait for this summer... other than the fact that i have classes. heh.

list #3: photography geaaar that i really need/want (it goes from need at the top to want at the bottom)

• I MISS MY NIFTY FIFTY =( [canon ef 50mm f/1.8] OR if someone gets me a 1.4. ORRRR if someone hits the jackpot and gets me a 1.2L... =)
• a second freaaaakin' camera body. (probably a used 30D or something... woo for $400!)
• i found a WHOLE 30D kit on ebay for $1,800. BUT omg... 24-70 f/2.8L, extra 430ex flash, 30D full box body only, bag, books galore... dangit, i want it.

the last thing includes all my wants. hahahahahah. best freaking canon general-purpose zoom out there T_T

list #4: car stuff >D

• BMW floor liners (gray fronts&rears)
• BMW X5 aux jack
  
• BMW style 177 wheels (20x9.5 in the front, 20x10.5 in the rear, full kit w/ tires)
  
• BMW X5 aerodynamic kit (without PDC, with headlight washer)

thank goodness for co-op plus other random jobs... looks like i'm keeping this car for a while. xD


okay, if i have more lists i'll put them up. as for now... back to studying. FML.

weird, but i'm amazed.

first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CIANYL MAE :D


okay. so umm this afternoon, as you could tell, i was out of it. like. beyond depressed. haha well not in the clinical sense, cause that would be kinda bad. but yeah, i was in pretty bad shape. then nightfall came, and something inside me told me to watch love actually. so guess what? i did.

at the same time, i was talking to biff and messaging my other good friend terry. and i have these two to thank for my epiphany.

sabi ni tanga (11:51:12 PM): i like that line though

sabi ni tanga (11:51:17 PM): i think our lives have just begun

sabi ni astig (11:51:24 PM): yeah

sabi ni astig (11:51:26 PM): its really nice

sabi ni tanga (11:51:33 PM): yeah =]

sabi ni astig (11:51:39 PM): it's so true in so many ways

sabi ni tanga (11:51:47 PM): hm/

sabi ni tanga (11:51:50 PM): how so

sabi ni astig (11:52:29 PM): well you obviously. your new life has just begun and its blossoming into something way more beautiful that what you've ever had

sabi ni tanga (11:52:40 PM): awww

sabi ni astig (11:52:55 PM): me, i just woke up and realized nothings gonna happen unless i try

sabi ni astig (11:53:10 PM): mae, she's in the same boat as you, growing in love more and more each day with james and its really awesome

sabi ni tanga (11:53:20 PM): =]

i hate to say it, but first realization is that i'd proudly be a third wheel for either of these couples. they treat me like i'm part of them, you know? not like romantically cause that would be just awkward. but really, when im with either of the pairs (or both) i don't feel left out at all. and i'm so happy that they're pulling for me. and that they're there for me no matter what.

esp biff. i came into this thing thinking that i'd be the savior, saving her if she fell. but nope, she's on the clouds and i'm the one that fell. and lo and behold... she was the one that saved me. she and her boyfriend. i owe a lot to them, i really do. and i like the reassurance that she won't leave me aside like she did last semester... i feel better. she'll always be there for me, and i'll always be there for her. thank goodness neil's okay with it. if any girl i ever go out with has a problem, then she's gone. sorry!

another thing i realized is something biff, mae, and neil have been telling me for a long time: take chances. you know that i'm the safe type. the last time i ever did something like this "successfully" was in eighth grade. and maybe i haven't done something like this is because of how that turned out. that was ... really messy. and i hated that i lost her forever. then there was freshman-sophomore year of high school, when i tried to take a chance but she was just head over heels for the other guy. but theyre nothing more than learning experiences now, and thats how it should be. and i think soon will be another learning experience. and i can't be anything but optimistic about this rendezvous but, if it fails, i just learn.

sabi ni astig (12:01:17 AM): if i cant sense anything, then promise im done forever.

sabi ni astig (12:01:22 AM): if i sense something, let the homewrecking begin

yeah, this is how its gonna be. btw, done forever = done with her forever. not with the idea. i cant just let one thing ruin my outlook forever... cause thats bull. "it's not how you fall but how you pick yourself up." :D one of the best things biff ever said.

so forget what i said before, and here's to a future of nothing but happiness. yeah? yeah. =)

movin' out.

"and it seems such a waste of time,
if that's what it's all about.
mama if that's movin' up,
then i'm moving out."
- billy joel, movin' out (anthony's song)

lol, so the last post was made with a really hot head. and, like the old saying goes, cooler heads always prevail. no, i'm not mad anymore. but i'm still upset and confused. they weren't kidding when they said that moving on is one of the hardest things to do. it's just so hard when the object of your affection for the past semester finds someone else, and it hurts more cause i probably could've done something before. but no more 'coulda, woulda, shoulda's. i'm done with that. lesson learned.

so with a head held high, i soldier on, ready to face new challenges. i know i shouldnt feel this way but i feel like there's no one out there. i feel like everyone's found someone. and i'm left alone.

lol i get jealous of my friends sometimes, because they've all found someone. and it's hard because a lot of the times, they are my happiness but they need to be with the ones that make them happy. and yeah i guess me being a part of their lives makes them happy too, but it doesn't compare with the happiness they feel with their significant others. and i'm left behind. i'm happy for them, no doubt, but the old question arises: when will it be me?

a lot of times i wish i had someone to be alone with, because whenever im in the dorms everyone else has that one other person to be with, so they leave the dorms. and a lot of times i'm left alone with two people who deserve their alone time as well. i feel like i'm a burden sometimes to mae and james because i'm always around them. but really, i feel like i have no one else...

its not their fault, it's my fault. i need to learn how to make the most of being alone cause thats how its gonna be for a very long time.

so here's to learning the attributes of solitude.

shocked.

i had so much respect for you and him. SO MUCH. thats probably why i never told you how i felt for you, i didnt want to ruin what you and him have.

but really, use a room that neither you nor him lives in? he has his own dorm! you HAD to intrude on a person in a room that belongs to neither of you? really? don't you know how to take care of privileges granted to you? couldn't you two have just used his room for your giggling and kissing. damn. i dont blame that person for blasting you.

i really thought you were better than this. i told my own best friend that you were the BEST on this earth. because i thought you were caring. i thought you knew what respect was. i thought you were the good girl. and thats why i liked you. SO MUCH. now all that i thought about you is thrown out the window.

i may be overreacting on something that someone told me. i didn't hear it from you. but really, if everyone said it cause they were there then damn.

i'll still be friendly around you. and quite frankly, i dont think you'd even give a damn if i said i liked you. but that's okay now cause i lost a lot of my respect for you. not everything, but a lot.



i wish humans were asexual and heartless. really. half the world's problems would be solved.
until they find out how to take out our souls and let us reproduce on our own, i'll soldier on. i hate this whole relationship thing.

yes, i'm bitter. very bitter. is this karma for my stupidity five years ago? if so, thanks. thanks a lot. because of karma, i'm never going to find someone. ever again. might as well just let my parents arrange something, like the typical asian stereotype. marry someone with money. cause really, love sucks.

(and btw. whoever invented the thought of love, i hope your carcass is rotting in hell, being eaten by dogs who shit your remains out just to eat it again.)

pick me up just to throw me back down.

i hate it when the littlest thing gets me all hyped up... then when i realize the truth, the crash landing hurts.

maybe i should stop giving myself hope. because it's my fault anyway. i didn't do anything when i had the chance, and then when i did grow the balls to even think about doing something, my window of opportunity closed. sure, it probably wouldn't hurt to tell her, but for what else? i want to give up.

but something won't let me. i can't figure out what it is. maybe it's the fact that i see her often. maybe the fact that summer's coming up might help. but then again i don't think it will. mostly because she's planning on taking the same class i am.

i'm a loser who reads aim logs all the time.

her: how was your day?
me: i'll be cheesy and say it was mundane without you :]
---
her: aww you're too sweet!
me: be careful and don't get too addicted; diabetes is rampant now.

oy vey. cheesy me had the chance. *slams head against wall