pwned ><

okay. so in all my years of being the person i am, i've been used to being the person giving advice. sure, people give me advice too, but to be honest, it's usually been in one ear and out the other. until this year; i started listening to advice from my best friends more. usually i come back with a complaint to which they have a response, and usually it's back and forth. but yesterday, i was talking to my best friend justine through text. and she shut me up. i was like WOW.

(copied and pasted from her blogspot)
Richard: But I can learn to be content, I've done it before.

Justine: Okaay but what would you rather be?? Content or happy?!

R: Happy. Duh. But if it eludes me then what can I do?

J: Umm try again?

R: It always ends up the same way though.

J: How do you know that?! It always ends the same way? So does that mean me and Mae should just end things between James and Neil cuz it's just gonna end the same way our past relationships ended?? No! Because nothing's for certain mannn. You don't know if it's gonna work out or not but it's worth it if it does!

R: Damn you're good! Lol!



she shut me up. forreal. i didn't have a response. because it was so true. she and our other friend mae have been through quite a bit in the past months, yet now they're in new relationships and happy. cycles can break. and i think i get that.

but what if i'm scared of what's going to happen? yeah, nothing's for certain. for all i know they can end up getting married. or the exact opposite. but who knows? that scares the hell out of me. i hate risk because of the uncertainty. fuck schrodinger and his uncertainty principle. you never know at one exact moment where anything is... fuck that. i want to know. because i'm afraid of getting hurt. i don't want to get hurt. i want it to end up like in the movies. where people live happily ever after, together. and yeah, i know movies are movies for a reason (cause they aren't real) but is it bad to hope? can you live with the lingering thought in the back of your mind that you don't know what's going to happen?

maybe i'm being unrealistic. but am i being unreasonable for wanting perfection? not perfection in a girl. but perfection in a relationship. i hate the downhill part. and i don't want it to ever happen to me. because i see it happen to my friends all the time. and i wonder if they ever get tired of it. because i know i sure would.

until i find what i'm looking for, gg best. =/

asdfjkl;

before anything else. i need to remind myself to update those songs under MyTunes. i haven't updated them since 2007. and now they don't work cause fileden decided to delete all of my shit. LOL

everything's been so... bipolar lately. last week was a total bomb. but this week's been so good to me. going to new york on a whim was amazing. family dinner was just the best. while last week... idunno. physically things didn't change to bring forth the happiness of this week; it was more of an emotional thing, i guess.

i've been switching between being emo and accepting. she found someone else. and parts of me tell me that that other person could've been me. but then other parts of me tell me that even if i did succeed, maybe fate would play its cards against my favor and have the other guy come in and replace me anyway. then other other parts of me tell me that i could maybe be the guy fate helps. i don't know, it's so weird.

and it sucks when you think you've gotten over it, then you and her randomly meet when you're about to go home. which is what happened. one night, i dropped off my friends at the dorms after going to their old high school. and as i shift into drive i see her outside my passenger window, looking in. she walks around the car to me. i open my door, then we hugged. for a really really long time. and i realized... i never got over it.

but my best friend, kim, once told me that she didn't believe in signs or signals, because oftentimes those signs turn out to be nothing more than coincidence. which is really true. but the signs are too good...

it's such a precarious position i hold right now. how the hell do i deal with this? the idea of actually asking her to dinner has never left my mind. dinner could help straighten everything out in my mind. but it would be so awkward. then i realize that summer's coming around. and, in a sense, thank God. i can get over it peacefully.

i'm fine with being single. but when all my other friends - especially the four i hold dear - are aloof with their boyfriends or potentials, i'm alone. and when, day and night, all they think about is their significant others, i have to admit, i get jealous. maybe i'm in love with the idea of a girlfriend right now and she happened to fit the mold i'm looking for. but maybe she's the one...

but after the pomp and circumstance of a new relationship, what's next? i always remember what happened the last time i was in a real relationship, and it fuckin' scares me. don't get me wrong, i loved most of it. until the end, when i realized that i got into it for the wrong reasons. which might be the same reasons as now. just for the vanity of it all.

i'm always scared that i can't fulfill the role of a good boyfriend. i might get too attached. i might get too jealous. i don't know for sure, i haven't been one for a good while.

my problem is that my mind overpowers my heart way too much. i was talking to justine, my best friend at stevens, and we realized that i was the mind and she was the heart. because she loves to go for things she knows she wants, and i take things with a grain of salt. i need that balance. she always said to go for it if i really wanted it. the thing is, do i?

i guess it's suffice to say that what i said before was totally miscalculated, because of an assumption that probably made an ass out of me: that my best friends would always be around. in reality, they can't be, because that would be really stupid. they have lives too.

the 5000-piece jigsaw puzzle.

- "i'm the exception."
- "you're my exception."

i just got finished watching he's just not that into you. justine, a best friend of mine, has been wanting to watch this movie for forever, and i kinda promised her that i'd bring her to watch it. but i guess we got too busy and now it's not in theaters. but i pulled some strings and now we'll be watching it tomorrow. i try my hardest to pull through with my promises.

promises. most of the time, when i make promises, i haven't the slightest clue about the strings attached to that promise. it may not be a big deal when it has to do with trivial things, like a movie or a borrowed pen. but when it comes to a promise of never leaving, that's when things get sticky.

i mentioned my friend justine up there. i met her on the second day of stevens orientation on castle point. honestly, the first month or so of school was so blurry that i don't remember exactly how justine and i got closer. but i do remember october 5, 2008. it was a sunday; justine and i had been talking about certain things having to do with her now-exboyfriend. and i don't remember how it happened, but i asked her to be my best friend. or something along those lines, cause you don't really 'ask' for a best friend, they just come. but with that always comes a promise that there would be no letting go; no leaving. i broke that promise.

as the months went by, i felt like my relationship with her wasn't going anywhere. i wasn't learning things about her; i don't think i was able to communicate with her. the problem, now that i look back, might have been that we rushed into it, thinking that we could trust each other only after a month. and both of us were wrong. time passed and in late january/early february, i 'called it quits.' i thought i couldn't handle it anymore. i thought that the moniker 'best friend' with her was only that - a label and nothing more.

after that, i was a jerk to her. i called her names, put her down, and i could tell that it was taking a toll on her. and part of me felt really bad, yet part of me somewhat enjoyed it, and i don't know why. well i think it was because i felt as if that was payback for the months i thought were wasted on her. it sounds really harsh but to be honest, i really felt that way. for a long time. you could say that towards justine, i had a really dark cloud over my head. until one day, i remembered a time from back in the fall. when all the stevens friends slept over at my house, and we were up at 5:30 in the morning. we had this deep conversation that turned into one person saying a little message to all the other people in the room. and it was justine's turn to tell me something. and i remember her saying this: "thank you, richard. i've told you so many things that i haven't told anyone else..." and then she broke down. and i rushed over to her and held her in my arms, trying to comfort her.

when i remembered this, it suddenly came to me that what we had in the fall wasn't a joke. it wasn't fake. it was real. and i was a big asshole for letting that go. but i didn't want to approach her cause i knew that she'd be bitter towards me.

but it's amazing how things can turn around in the span of a couple of weeks. i really don't even know how it happened, but it culminated to a point where, starting last friday, we had long as hell conversations on aim every day about each other's love escapades. and it was really comforting to be close to her again. now we're back to being close, but we're nowhere near where we used to be. we're better than that now because we understand each other.

she blogged about it yesterday, and i never realized how much she cared for this relationship, just as much as i did. but i guess we show it in different ways, which i totally understand now. we are legit best friends again, and this time, i'm not fucking it up.

one thing we had a conversation about was a girl i liked. justine always encouraged me to go for it, and i think she was getting annoyed cause i always put myself down. i compared myself to other guys who seemed to be into this girl, all of whom justine knew. and she encouraged me and said that i should go for it.

but then, i had a conversation with my other best friend, kim. and we had this talk about what we were going to do in 10 years. kim and i, we're both lost. she has her reasons. and i, i just have been lost for the past five years. we both are trying to figure out what we want. it got me thinking about what i really wanted out of life. is love really that important to put so much emphasis on it?

then i had an epiphany. i'm still working on the details, but it makes me feel so good.

i realized that i have the best best friends in the world. i have justine, i have kim, and i have two others, and i trust them with my life. plus my family of 'brothers and sisters' - aka my godsiblings - as well as all my other great friends. and i love them. if i have all of that, what else do i need in life? i realized that all the energy i would have put into a serious relationship, i put into all the individual relationships with each of my friends and family, esp. my godsiblings and my best friends. and for now, i wouldn't have it any other way. they complete me. and by complete, i mean that i am whole; 1/1. so if i add another part to that, that would make me more than whole. like 4/3 or 3/2. and that's not possible. i'm not willing to sacrifice even a little bit of my energy that i put towards my friends for some girl that, yeah, i'd be attracted to but otherwise would be almost the same as the ones i already have.

i'm not closing my doors on love. in fact, i still welcome it. but until now, i've been actively looking, thinking about who could be right for me among the people i know now. and i realized that that's absurd. kim taught me a valuable lesson - don't look for love, let it come to you. something that isn't forced, something that doesn't have a reason, that is the best kind of love. something that just happens naturally. but until that person and i finally meet, i'm not going to put energy into finding someone. i will let fate take its course, and until then, i'll treat my friends as my life. because they're worth it.

words

"it's only words, and words are all i have to take your heart away."


words are nothing but groups of syllables put together; syllables are nothing but letters put together. so words are nothing but groups of letters. we learn to use sounds to try to say these words. but words are, inherently, highly organized gibberish.

so why do these words i hear always have such an impact on me?

i found out that i fall for words. conversations on aim, over the phone, or in person have the power to make me feel bubbly. (so do the simplest gestures; if a girl surprises me by hugging me from the back, i melt. but that's a different story.) i love it when a girl and i have serious conversations that end up with her saying "i love you." or when she i/m's me and says "i miss you." words like that make me feel good. words like that make me fall for them. words like that are my kryptonite.

last night, i had a conversation with a certain someone. it was quick. but we argued about who loved & missed the other more. and yeah, i probably won't ever have a chance with her, but it made me feel good. it might have made me fall for her again. i wish i wasn't so weak with words.