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before anything else. i need to remind myself to update those songs under MyTunes. i haven't updated them since 2007. and now they don't work cause fileden decided to delete all of my shit. LOL

everything's been so... bipolar lately. last week was a total bomb. but this week's been so good to me. going to new york on a whim was amazing. family dinner was just the best. while last week... idunno. physically things didn't change to bring forth the happiness of this week; it was more of an emotional thing, i guess.

i've been switching between being emo and accepting. she found someone else. and parts of me tell me that that other person could've been me. but then other parts of me tell me that even if i did succeed, maybe fate would play its cards against my favor and have the other guy come in and replace me anyway. then other other parts of me tell me that i could maybe be the guy fate helps. i don't know, it's so weird.

and it sucks when you think you've gotten over it, then you and her randomly meet when you're about to go home. which is what happened. one night, i dropped off my friends at the dorms after going to their old high school. and as i shift into drive i see her outside my passenger window, looking in. she walks around the car to me. i open my door, then we hugged. for a really really long time. and i realized... i never got over it.

but my best friend, kim, once told me that she didn't believe in signs or signals, because oftentimes those signs turn out to be nothing more than coincidence. which is really true. but the signs are too good...

it's such a precarious position i hold right now. how the hell do i deal with this? the idea of actually asking her to dinner has never left my mind. dinner could help straighten everything out in my mind. but it would be so awkward. then i realize that summer's coming around. and, in a sense, thank God. i can get over it peacefully.

i'm fine with being single. but when all my other friends - especially the four i hold dear - are aloof with their boyfriends or potentials, i'm alone. and when, day and night, all they think about is their significant others, i have to admit, i get jealous. maybe i'm in love with the idea of a girlfriend right now and she happened to fit the mold i'm looking for. but maybe she's the one...

but after the pomp and circumstance of a new relationship, what's next? i always remember what happened the last time i was in a real relationship, and it fuckin' scares me. don't get me wrong, i loved most of it. until the end, when i realized that i got into it for the wrong reasons. which might be the same reasons as now. just for the vanity of it all.

i'm always scared that i can't fulfill the role of a good boyfriend. i might get too attached. i might get too jealous. i don't know for sure, i haven't been one for a good while.

my problem is that my mind overpowers my heart way too much. i was talking to justine, my best friend at stevens, and we realized that i was the mind and she was the heart. because she loves to go for things she knows she wants, and i take things with a grain of salt. i need that balance. she always said to go for it if i really wanted it. the thing is, do i?

i guess it's suffice to say that what i said before was totally miscalculated, because of an assumption that probably made an ass out of me: that my best friends would always be around. in reality, they can't be, because that would be really stupid. they have lives too.