contemplation.

so many things are running through my mind.

haha, i was watching you changed my life the other day. good movie, typical filipino cheesy love movie. but a line that stood out was what miggy's assistant was telling him, "kung ako si laida, baka pagod na pagod na ako. kasi walang tigil na ako'ng tumatakbo sa isip mo eh." that could pretty much sum up how i'm feeling. i think? ahh i don't even know.

before anything else, let me say this: i love my best friends to death. like no lie. i'd die for them.

now let the ranting start.

it's more of a rant on myself. the bests have done NOTHING wrong at all. we talk often, we talk about important issues. we support each other when needed. s'all good, right?

i wanted to prove that a guy could be straight and still have girls as best friends. i'm sure there are tons of guys who can confide best in girls and vice versa. but honestly, it creates a problem if your best friends are in relationships. not necessarily a problem. i'm cool with their boyfriends, i think they're awesome. but i can't help but feel really really awkward. what's funny is, it's not awkward in person AT ALL. i can hang out with them and not be a third wheel; that's why they're awesome. BUT i don't know, i feel like i have to limit myself. i feel like i can't talk to them a lot. i feel like i can't do anything much with them. hang out once in a while, yeah that's okay. but if i just wanna genuinely visit my best friend often. i feel like i can't do that. and i don't wanna talk about it with them because they probably won't see where i'm coming from. they'll think that i should just act normal and shiz. but what IS normal? what is my code of conduct toward a best friend? can i do the same things with these best friends that say, girl best friends do together or guy best friends do together? like hang out and stuff? idunno, filipino society tends to think like "oh if you are with a girl a LOT, you're her boyfriend." but NO! i DON'T want it to be that way! i just don't want everyone else to think that way because that could cause a lot of problems. and i guess the bottom line is, i don't want to cause problems. i just confide in girls a whole lot better than i do in guys. and i know i shouldn't let social stigma rule the way i live but that's a fact of life today. and there's nothing i can do about it rather than shape my life around it.

so, to my best friends, if it seems like i've been shady lately, i'm just trying to control myself. because your boyfriends should come first. and i'm tryna take the backseat. not talk as often and such. sacrifice, i guess?

i don't know if i'm making sense; i'm probably not. you, the reader, are probably reading this and saying to yourself this guy is wasting megabytes on the blogger server. whytf is he worrying about stupid shit? and i agree, it is. but i feel like i HAVE to worry about it. i just don't want things to escalate. get me? probably still no, but at least i vented.

i think the big problem is that i have that filipino mentality. when i see a guy and a girl together often, it's like automatic in my mind: they're going out. i know there's always more to the story. and i wish people would be mindful of that, too. (btw, yes biff, i lied; i AM a hypocrite LOL.) i shouldn't worry about the perceptions of others. but sometimes, especially in the filipino community, those perceptions can lead to gossip. and gossip kills relationships. i don't want that to happen.

there are many times i wish i could confide in guys way more than girls. but i think i can attribute this to the fact that i grew up around my cousins on my mom's side; here in the states, all of them are girls except for me. the environment is what probably trained my mind. but if i was like a regular ol' guy, i wouldn't have to worry about this. but c'est la vie. can't do anything about it now.

but there are even MORE times when i'm thankful my best friends are girls. because they let me be a typical guy around them, yet i can tell them things i'd never tell another guy. hahaha!

screw gender-specific roles.

totally unrelated...
this year is the year i make a change for myself. proactive is the name of the game.

before i go. here's a question for you ladies..
what the heck do i do that automatically makes me friend status? HA.